- Cape Rolling Out Bloomfield Road Art Trail (8/21/19)1
- Donors Pledge Almost Two Grand To Replace SEMO's Possibly Sentient ‘Gum Tree' (8/16/18)
- SEMO and The Will To (Become A Consultant) – Part 2 (6/14/18)
- SEMO and The Will To Do (You Really Want To See That Legal Notice?) – Part 1 (6/4/18)
- Judge, Jury... Trashman (6/1/18)
- Diary of Cape Girardeau Road Deconstruction (5/11/18)
- Trying To Save A Tree From City “Improvements” (4/30/18)2
The Irony Of It All
Brad Hollerbach is the Director of Information Technology for the Southeast Missourian. His opinions are his own and do not reflect those of the newspaper or its editorial board.
He writes this blog primarily for his own amusement and to parody the absurdities of the world we live in. He lives with his wife and two cats that don't really care for one another in Cape.
New Zoning Code Almost Restricts 'Centers of Sin'
Posted Wednesday, February 24, 2010, at 12:00 AM
I'm so glad that Wickedness is being addressed by Cape Girardeau's new zoning ordinances. And of course, when I say Wickedness, I really mean naked people. Nothing is more Wicked than naked people.
But thank goodness the city is dealing with Wickedness via Section 30-353 of the zoning code that pertains to Adult Entertainment Overlay Districts.
This overlay district section covers a number of Sins that Wicked People like to partake in including:
However, even though our spiffy new zoning code appears to be trying to legislate Centers of Sin out of existence, I immediately saw a business opportunity in the restrictions.
Cape Girardeau's zoning only applies on land therefore the Mississippi is fair game and not under city jurisdiction. I figured if the Cape Girardeau zoning ordinances were going to practically legislate all of the prospective Dens of Sin out of business that I could step up and provide them a zoning-free home where they could ply their goods and services and earn myself a few bucks in the process.
It's a fairly simple business concept. I've tied up a barge down by the river and plan to sublet portions of it to all the Centers of Sin that can no longer operate cost-effectively within the city. I'm calling it Brad's Big Barge of Debauchery.
I was excited about this news and my latest get-rich-quick-scheme and shared my findings with reporter Rudi Keller who has written several articles about the new zoning ordinances.
Sadly, he pointed out a tiny flaw that has basically derailed my whole business plan.
While the new zoning code has described the Adult Entertainment Overlay District in great detail, apparently no one on the commission has actually bothered to change the language describing any of the main business zoning districts to exclude Those Types Of Businesses.
For instance, the zoning code says that a business is permitted to operate in the Central Business District if it "provides, displays, advertises and sells goods, supplies or services to the general public, as long as all activities associated with said business are contained entirely indoors."
That's a pretty inclusive description.
Based on that description, I would say that almost any business including adult bookstores, adult movie theatres, modeling studios, tattoo parlors and even those bathhouses are allowed. They just have to conduct their business indoors.
That's not to say that ALL Dens of Sin are allowed in the Central Business District. It looks like our revised zoning codes have put the kibosh on any X-rated drive-ins and hot dog vendor carts from setting up shop downtown. Those businesses conduct their business outdoors.
And really, does it get anymore wicked than a weenie wagon?
- Bookstores that carry mostly materials featuring naked people.
- Motion picture theatres showing movies where the actors are mostly naked.
- Bathhouses which apparently are just the locker room portion of a workout facility and a place that naked people like to congregate.
- Modeling studios where naked people might pose for sleazy things like being drawn or photographed.
- And tattoo parlors.
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Areas in light gray show the zoning districts where Adult Entertainment Overlay districts are specifically prohibited. The darker gray circles represent 1000 foot distances from residential districts into one of the four districts - C1, C2, M1 and M2 -- where the AEO is allowed. |
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