Don't Sign Me Up For The Bogey-Committee

As I've gotten older, I've come to dislike crowds more and more.

That's why my butt was nice and toasty under a blanket in my bed in the wee hours of Black Friday rather than standing in a line outside some store waiting for them to open up so I could take advantage of one of their Super-Duper, Never-Before-Seen-And-Never-To-Be-Seen-Again Deals in the pre-dawn hours on the day after Thanksgiving.

I just don't need or want anything that bad to fight those crowds.

Besides crowds, I'm also not too nuts about children squawling in public. I know I may have squawled a time or two growing up and perhaps my memory is fooling me, but I don't recall children being quite as loud and obnoxious out in public when I was child in the 1970's.

I guess it might be because parents' back then thought nothing of "disciplining" an overly vocal child. And unless you were particularly stupid or particularly whiny, you quickly learned that the only thing that squawling got you was a tender tooshy or the promise of one when you got home.

But that was then. Today any parent who even considers disciplining their child in public has to consider the fact that some do-gooder might turn them into social services for "child abuse."

Now, before I go any further, I want to be clear about one thing:

I am NOT suggesting that people beat their children. Beating your own children is a bad thing. I believe that most parents cannot assess a potential discipline situation dispassionately without letting other things affect their judgment such as the fact that two weeks before little Jimmy left his bicycle laying in the driveway behind their brand-new car and they drove over it.

So I repeat, it is a bad thing for parents to beat their own children.

But I do think it would be beneficial to society as a whole if we let total strangers beat your children when they were misbehaving in public.

Perhaps, children wouldn't turn into obnoxious terrors out in the community if they knew that a complete stranger might come striding out of the crowd to squelch their squawling. You know, kind of like the Bogey-Man who lurked under my bed growing up.

However, I realize that we live in a democratic society and to have a Bogey-Man who is judge, jury and the figurative executioner would just not be applicable for ultra politically correct 21st century America.

However, I think a "Bogey-Committee" would be appropriate.

The Bogey-Committee would be made up of adults, none of which actually applied to be a member of the Bogey-Committee. That would be part of the screening processes. If you want to be on the Bogey-Committee, then that might indicate you actually like to beat children so therefore you can't be on the committee. It would be a lot like jury duty.

Here's how the Bogey-Committee would work:

Let's say that on the Tuesday prior to Thanksgiving, you needed a couple items from Schnuck's. However, knowing that the grocery store would likely be jam-packed -- since it was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and you really hate crowds -- you go there about 9:30 pm.

That's a smart move on your part because the store is nearly empty and quite pleasant except for a squawling four-year old who can be heard all the way from the vegetables to the magazines. The child is quite unhappy and is apparently determined to make everyone else in the store just as unhappy as he. He won't shut up.

However, unbeknownst to the squawling child, you've been selected to be a member of the Bogey-Committee whose mission is to democratically decide whether a child should be disciplined for being a royal brat in public.

So you -- as a member of the Bogey-Committee -- would yell out "I call a meeting of the Bogey-Committee!"

As long as two other Bogey-Committee members were present in the store -- the B.C. is partially modeled after the 3-person County Commission system -- a decision would quickly be made regarding the fate of the squawling child.

In this case, that decision would be a paddling and you would stride up to the screaming rug-rat, squat down to his level and say to him, "Son, I'm with the Bogey Committee."

Now as long as his parents have done their job of indoctrinating him -- "You better be a good boy in public or the Bogey-Committee will get you!" -- that simple seven-word sentence would probably be the end of the entire incident.

The child would be scared witless and would immediately quit squawling, which is all that the Bogey-Committee really wants to accomplish. No paddling would actually have to take place. No one on the Committee wants to beat children. They just want the children to behave themselves in public and if that requires scaring the dickens out of them, then so be it.

Personally, I think this is a fine solution for this problem.

And to get the ball rolling, I will be the first person to volunteer not to be a member of the committee.