Larry The Legal Leprechaun

It will be illegal in Missouri for anyone under the age of 21 to text or email someone while they are driving as of this Friday.

We can thank the state legislature for including that regulation in an omnibus bill that the Governor signed into law last month. Texting and emailing can be dangerous distractions to drivers and have no business being done by anyone behind the wheel.

Now the state just needs to outlaw drivers from eating, applying make-up, talking on their cell-phones, sleeping, knitting, working crossword puzzles, watching TV, surfing the internet, playing beer pong, juggling, fornicating and balancing their checkbook while attempting to drive and the roadways will be much, much safer.

Of course, I would only have these restrictions applied to anyone younger than 21. After all, everybody knows that once you turn 21, you are magically able to multitask while driving.

We can all thank Larry the Legal Leprechaun for blessing us with these abilities.

Larry is the lesser-known cousin of the Tooth Fairy. Larry -- or Triple-L as he prefers to be called -- works closely with governments everywhere enforcing the age limit mandates of their various laws. For instance, when a U.S. teenager turns 18, Larry is there bestowing on the child both the wisdom to be a voter in our democratic process and the lung capacity to take up smoking.

And when an American goes to bed on the eve of their twenty-first birthday, Larry the Legal Leprechaun finds them and waves his Magical Book of Statutes over their sleeping body instantly granting them the ability to drink alcoholic beverages and to understand the mathematics behind playing blackjack successfully in a casino.

Or it was that way until the governor signed into law this new anti-texting while driving mandate for Larry to look after.

When I turned 21 the only thing Triple-L had to bless me with was the capacity to drink alcoholic beverages. One day I was 20 and unable to walk by an opened can of Bud Light without the fumes making me loopy, and the next day I could guzzle entire kegs of brew without even getting buzzed. What a truly a magical moment it was for me.

Oh sure, I suppose Larry also granted me the ability to go into a casino back then, but riverboat gambling in the Midwest wasn't legal at the time, so it was a mandate that really didn't affect me.

But after this Friday, Missourian's turning 21 will be so lucky when they become "legal." They will be able to drink, gamble and text while driving ALL on the SAME DAY! It's like the trifecta of vice!

Oh, I long to be 20 again!

On the cusp of no longer being a minor and eager to be a major, full of pent up desires to sample the numerous vices that the State had deemed I was too immature to experience until I turned the Big Two One. If I were 20 again I'd be anxiously waiting for Larry the Legal Leprechaun to exalt me with his Magical Book of Statutes, my truck idling, cell phone in-hand and an un-opened beer in the cup holder.

And as soon as that moment occurred, and I was engulfed in the aura of being twenty-one, my butt would be in that truck speeding up the interstate in search of the nearest casino, my left hand trying to open my can of beer and my right one flying on my phone.

Turned 21 Today! Headed to Casino. Beer in one hand. Twittering this message with the other. Driving with knees. Freedom! Thanks Triple-L!