- Cape Rolling Out Bloomfield Road Art Trail (8/21/19)1
- Donors Pledge Almost Two Grand To Replace SEMO's Possibly Sentient ‘Gum Tree' (8/16/18)
- SEMO and The Will To (Become A Consultant) – Part 2 (6/14/18)
- SEMO and The Will To Do (You Really Want To See That Legal Notice?) – Part 1 (6/4/18)
- Judge, Jury... Trashman (6/1/18)
- Diary of Cape Girardeau Road Deconstruction (5/11/18)
- Trying To Save A Tree From City “Improvements” (4/30/18)2
The Irony Of It All
Brad Hollerbach is the Director of Information Technology for the Southeast Missourian. His opinions are his own and do not reflect those of the newspaper or its editorial board.
He writes this blog primarily for his own amusement and to parody the absurdities of the world we live in. He lives with his wife and two cats that don't really care for one another in Cape.
'Crop Circle' In Lawn Suggests Alien Invasion
Posted Monday, August 24, 2009, at 12:00 AM
I think aliens have invaded my neighborhood.
And I'm not talking about the good kind of aliens who can whip together a tasty shrimp quesadilla in a matter of minutes or always seem to be working in the background on a lot of those landscaping programs they show on HGTV. Those kinds of aliens have been in Cape for quite a while.
No, I'm talking about the type of aliens that the U.S. Government snatched up in Roswell, New Mexico after a UFO crashed there in 1947. You know, little green men.
Or at least I presume, they are little green men. I definitely know the ones that landed in my neighborhood are little because I found the markings from one of their landing craft in my yard while talking to a roofing contractor the other day
I looked down and there it was, a perfectly round circle of green grass, distinctly darker than the other grass around it.
Since I do 100% of the lawn maintenance for the Hollerbach household, I knew something was not right. I applied fertilizer in April and I know I didn't do any donuts with my drop-spreader back then. If I had, that might have caused the miniature crop circle I now have in my lawn although I doubt I could have made it exactly 7 feet in diameter.
That's how I know the little green men have to be pretty little. Seven feet is a pretty small footprint for any kind of UFO. You're not going to find Sigourney Weaver's nemesis from the movie Alien traveling in a spaceship that small.
Well, unless of course, that those aliens have the extraterrestrial version of the Yugo. Remember the Yugo? It was kind of like a Mini Cooper, but less spacious. Actually, a Yugo-sized spacecraft could explain why the alien in Alien was so damn mean. If I had to travel umpteen million light-years squeezed into a spaceship the size of a refrigerator, I'd be in a pretty foul mood whenever I reached my destination.
Ok, just so I can sleep at night and my wife won't wonder why I'm now insisting on going to bed with a Louisville Slugger tucked under my pillow, I'm going to assume that my first assumption is correct and that the crop circle in my lawn was made by little green men aliens and not by the toothy horror from Alien aliens.
I think I can handle little aliens. Based on the size of their spaceship's footprint, I imagine they're about 12 inches tall. As long as they don't propagate like the Tribbles from the classic episode of the original Star Trek series, I'll be in good shape.
In an effort to catch the little green men who apparently landed on my property, I have strategically placed a couple of traps that I've had for a few years. I originally bought them to catch some baby raccoons that took up residence under my porch and they've been stashed in my garage ever since. I have them baited with cans of beer. The alien in E.T. seemed to like a cold brewski so I figured that was a good use for the last of the Pomegranate Mich Ultra that was lingering in the back of my fridge. I hope aliens like flavored light beer.
Unfortunately, I've not yet caught anything. To improve my odds, I've been watching the Outdoor Channel to see if it might air a program with tips on hunting aliens. For example, what kind of crops to plant on your property that might attract aliens who enjoy making crop circles? So far that's been a bust, not one program on how to bag an alien. However, I now know everything there is to know about the best methods of attracting a big buck to my back yard so I'll be in great shape this coming deer season.
Besides the traps, I've been literally beating the bushes hoping to scare at least one of little green men out. So far that hasn't worked either. I'm also staying clear of the crop circle. Who knows what kind of alien voodoo caused that grass to be greener. It could be radioactive, but since I don't have a Gieger counter I really can't say.
I just hope that those lead underpants I ordered off the internet arrive before the next time I need to mow.
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