Water Park A Better Fit For Downtown

I like it when a plan comes together, when things just click and work even better than expected.

Ok, I'll admit, this is not exactly one of those times. Rather than a plan being put to work, this is more like the concept of a plan that I've dreamed up that I think is a sure-fire scheme with no chance of failure.

But then, I am an optimist.

This whole Larry Rice homeless shelter brouhaha has had me thinking a lot about downtown. The preacher has been trying to manipulate the system for his own designs using a 22-year-old federal law that has no application in a community of our size. Needless to say, he thinks otherwise.

Thankfully, some bureaucrat at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services was wise enough to turn Rice's application down, which means the building may now be sold to a local public entity such as the County. And the County needs to replace the Common Pleas Court House. I'm not saying they need to tear it down or anything, but it's not functional for the 21st Century without a heckuva lot of very, very expensive renovations.

The County really needs the federal building on Broadway.

Which, of course, raises the question of how it can pay for the downtown federal building. It's not like the County is flush with cash or anything. Just look at the city of Cape. It's practically cutting coupons by opting out of the state sales tax this coming August in an effort to bolster the town's coffers.

Then it hit me.

Water park money.

We taxpayers voted to fund a shiny-new water park complete with a "700 foot lazy river" over by the Osage Center to the tune of $8.8 million. Actually, I guess I should say you taxpayers, since I voted against what I consider a very dumb project.

I'd like to see how this endeavor will generate enough cash-flow during the 3 months of the year that it is operational to cover annual operating and maintenance expenses. I might be an optimist, but I can tell you right now, it ain't gonna happen. We might as well call the lazy river portion of the water park the Red River, since that is the color ink the whole project is going to bleed profusely.

Yes, I know me -- the self-proclaimed optimist -- is not being very optimistic about that project. Consider me an optimist who happens to live in the real world.

But that's beside the point. What if we took part of those millions in taxpayer funding for the water park and gave it to the County to buy and fix up the old federal building on Broadway?

I know it is Cape Girardeau City money, but I think we can work with the County. We know the County. We went to school with them. The County is from around here. Heck, we're actually even related to the County. They're not an out-of-towner trying to shove some big-city bleeding heart liberalism down our throat.

Ok, let's say this comes to pass and the County now has the Federal Building. Now, we have the vacant Common Pleas Court House and Annex just sitting there empty. What could we possible use it for?

Simple. Let's be proactive and convert the Common Pleas facility into our water park, rather than spending all that money over by the Osage Center to build a facility from scratch.

I think relocating the water park downtown would dovetail perfectly with the Louis J. Lorimier Memorial World-Famous Downtown Golf Tournament and All-You-Can-Eat Catfish Buffet which -- as many of you know -- our Editorial Page Editor Joe Sullivan was instrumental in getting created.

Besides coordinating quite nicely with this already existing tourist attraction, think of all the money we could save by locating the water park downtown.

Building a thrilling water slide feature will be a snap. Just look at the hill and staircase that leads up to the Common Pleas Courthouse from Themis. We wouldn't even have to smooth out the steps. Just put some sides on the staircase to hold in water and tell all the customers that those steps are "rapids."

For added excitement, we'd put some large speed bumps in where Spanish, Main and Water Streets intersect Themis. They would help channel the water and all of the water park customers towards the floodwall gate and out to the king of all lazy rivers, the Mississippi. Why build one, when we have a perfectly fine river located in our own backyard? It's stupid for us to reinvent the wheel.

As an added bonus, we wouldn't close off any of those streets to traffic. Think of the thrill for those water park enthusiasts as they rocket down the stairs at the Common Pleas Courthouse praying that they can make it to our World Famous Lazy River without wiping out on the Main Street clock, or getting run over by oncoming traffic or the occasional train passing through.

The whole experience would combine all the excitement of both a water park and rollercoaster with the risk of Russian roulette. How fun!

And for those water-sport enthusiasts who manage to slide their way to the World Famous Lazy River in one piece, we do recognize the fact that the Mississippi in these parts is not really very lazy. In fact, it flows kind of fast. However, we also know that the slogan "World Famous Lazy River" is a lot more marketable than "World Famous Roaring River with Killer Undertow." Positive spin always wins the marketing game.

But I have considered the fact that the customers who do make it all the way to the Mississippi will likely be whisked downstream by the current. That is why we will spend part of the water park money on a giant net near the Bill Emerson Bridge that we will use to snare any of our customers who come floating by. Who knows, we might even catch a catfish or two for the All-You-Can-Eat buffet. What a bonus!

I figure that with our giant net, we will be able to corral about 80% of the customers as they float by.

Of course, I am being optimistic.