Wicked Thoughts

Sometimes I have wicked thoughts.

It's not that I'm a wicked person, but as a child I probably had a slightly over-active imagination dreaming up scenarios to situations that only a filmmaker would view as feasible. As an adult, I still dream up these scenarios, but with an added helping of wickedness that manifests itself as black humor.

I've had several wicked thoughts lately regarding the current Habitat for Humanity house that has been built on the campus of the University and is scheduled to be hauled to its lot on North Main Street next Tuesday.

Before I get to the specifics about my wicked thoughts, I must point out some of the inanities regarding this particular Habitat build.

This project has obviously been a complete publicity stunt to generate press for the local Habitat affiliate and its mission. It has worked. This is the second blog which I've discussed this particular home build and the Southeast Missourian has had at least two articles and a picture page for it. I would say that the public relations aspect of this particular project has been a resounding success.

And while the local Habitat affiliate can say they built this particular house off-site and in a parking lot on the University campus to boost the interest in public service with college students and get the exterior shell completed in record-breaking time, I think it is pretty clear that almost any construction company would not have built this house in this way. They would have built it on-site.

There is no way that building this particular house off-site is saving anyone any money.

The article about the project in the Wednesday Southeast Missourian noted that the house is too tall to be towed down Broadway so its roof had to be made to hinge flat. That cost something.

Secondly, the house will be hauled in two sections down Broadway next Tuesday which likely means parking will either not be allowed or be limited on that street. While none of the businesses will probably complain because of the stigma of speaking out against what many consider -- myself included -- a worthwhile charity, I imagine it has to irritate some downtown shop owners.

The economy is tough right now, and Habitat is going to shut down -- or at least slow down -- one of our city's major downtown arteries for basically what is an unnecessary house move.

The two parts of the house will be craned onto its foundation on North Main. I wonder how long this will inconvenience traffic in the Red Star District on move day? And as far as costs are concerned, cranes capable of lifting half a house don't come cheap.

Let's also not forget about the professional mover who is actually transporting the house. Unless he volunteered his services, I'm sure he cost something. The process of moving this Habitat home was one of the catalysts for my wicked thoughts.

Knowing that Habitat primarily uses volunteers and that house moving is out of their realm of expertise, I tried to imagine who would be recruited to tow these house parts to the home-site. This was before I read about the professional mover doing the job.

I had visions of Habitat recruiting some SEMO ag-business majors and them attempting to tow the multi-ton structure down Broadway with a Kubota lawn tractor. That was Wicked Thought #1.

For my Second Wicked Thought, I imagined an out-of-control fraternity hijacking the home and cruising around town with it. The parade scene at the end of the movie Animal House apparently inspired this one.

Of course, logically I know that could never happen. While the house is currently on wheels, I'm pretty sure an engine and transmission are not standard equipment on most Habitat for Humanity homes.

My third and Final Wicked Thought on this subject involves my friend Bert.

Bert is a little skeptical about the Habitat house move. His skepticism involves the logistics of the Habitat home making it down the steep hill on Broadway and successfully negotiating the sharp left turn onto Main Street. He wants to watch it happen.

This particular wicked thought co-conspired with Wicked Thought #1.

Imagine if the brakes on the little Kubota lawn tractor pulling the home suddenly failed as it started down the hill on Broadway in front of the N'Orleans.

The trailing house would quickly push the tiny tractor out of its way and go careening down the slope, wiping out sight-seers, bouncing off of buildings until it finally squeezed through the gate-opening in the river-wall where a Duke's-of-Hazzard-style ramp jump would land it in the Mississippi as the First-Ever Habitat Houseboat.

Meanwhile, Bert who has watched this 30 seconds of carnage and mayhem in utter disbelief, channels the famous Hindenburg disaster newscast of 1937 and cries out to no one in particular: "Oh, the Humanity!"