Dear Doofus...
Who Rented "The DaVinci Code" Before Me

Dear Doofus Who Rented "The DaVinci Code" Before Me,

I would like to know what the heck you did with this DVD besides watching it.

Even though I cleaned the disk with a soft cloth -- this is something I do every time I watch a DVD since I've come to learn that unless it is brand-new and fresh out of the cellophane, there will be blemishes of some kind -- this video paused every 10 seconds.

It skipped chapters. It pixelized on screen. It stuttered. It made me be wistful for VHS tapes.

I attempted to watch the movie for 15 minutes thinking that the problem might just be with the first couple chapters, but finally gave up in utter disgust.

Let me take this opportunity to explain the steps in renting and using a DVD because you apparently do not grasp them.

First, you rent the DVD and take it home.

At home -- right before you're getting ready to watch it -- you press the little black knob in the center of the DVD case which helps release the disk locking mechanism.

Next, you gently -- repeat after me, gently -- pop it out of its case using your fingers. If you feel you have to use a spork or some other handy eating instrument to assist, you're doing it wrong.

After you have removed the DVD from its case, handle it using your fingertips and the edges of the disk and carefully place it into your DVD player. If you are like me, just prior to this step, you may clean the DVD with a soft cloth.

Do not use steel wool and Spic-n-Span as you apparently decided was a good choice with this particular video.

Also, you may not be aware that the case which a DVD comes in, is its little house, and it is something of a homebody. If the DVD is not in your DVD player, then it should be kept in its little house. It likes it there.

It should NOT be used as a Frisbee or a coaster for your Milwaukee's Best or a handy place to set that wayward nacho or a makeshift toothpick or back-scratcher or an impromptu play toy for either your child or your pet.

And you should not take the DVD out of its case -- remember, it is a homebody -- and leave it out loose on your coffee table days before you are planning on watching it.

And while this letter is meant to make you aware of proper DVD etiquette, you may also want to reflect on your diet while you are at it.

Based on the quality of the fingerprints you left on the DVD, you should seriously consider reducing your intake of fatty foods. Your pores appear to be oozing oil. If you keep stuffing gobs of greasy-goodness down your pie-hole, then I imagine you won't be around very long to enjoy renting other DVDs in the future including Angels & Demons, the upcoming prequel to The DaVinci Code.

Sincerely,

The Person Who Rented The DaVinci Code DVD After You

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