Dear Doofus...
Letters Regarding The Ice Storm

I've decided that for this week, rather than doing a Google Search Result comparison as I've done for the last 10 Tuesdays, I would instead, catch-up on some of my ice-storm-related correspondence.

However, for those of you who have been tracking my GSR totals, this week my count is at 349.

Dear Doofuses Sightseeing in Capaha Park After The Ice Storm,

Yes, the ice-covered trees in the park are quite beautiful and worthy of photographs. But perhaps you don't realize how incredibly dangerous these oaks and elms are when they are coated with three-quarters of an inch of ice.

Branches can snap without warning sending hundreds of pounds of wood and ice hurtling to the ground. And if you happen to be under that tree at that time, you will likely be a dead doofus.

I realize that the only people who are likely to be strolling around a park whose trees are ice-covered ticking time bombs are doofuses and junior field reporters for KFVS.

Normally, if we lost a doofus or two or even a broadcaster to an ice-encrusted falling limb, it would not bother me.

I firmly believe in the concept of "thinning the herd," and if you are stupid enough to take a stroll through a virtual aerial mine field, then you are certainly a worthy candidate for being thinned.

However, I've given that stance a little more consideration and decided that it is in my own selfish interest to warn you that your sightseeing jaunt is a bad idea. You see, with my luck you would be walking under one of those giant oaks when a limb would explode under the weight of the ice and plummet to the ground.

But, rather than killing you -- and thus thinning the herd -- it would probably just inflict severe head trauma which would leave you an incapacitated vegetable for the rest of your life.

Your family -- searching for some way to pay for a nurse to wipe the drool off your chin for the next few decades -- would likely sue the city for not personally warning you of the dangers of the park after an ice-storm.

The city's insurance company would settle out of court for some big fat sum, because they know that if your heart-wrenching case went to trial, the jury would probably be made up of a bunch of other doofuses who would award your family even more money

However, insurance companies are businesses, so to pay for the settlement they would jack up the city's liability insurance payments to some astronomical amount. In order to cover the premium, the city would then boost everyone's property taxes including mine.

All thanks to you, Doofus.

So, please stay out of the park if the trees are ice-covered.

Sincerely,

A Citizen Observer

Dear Snow Plow Operator,

Thank you for plowing my street. Perhaps, the next time, you can do it with your eyes open.

Yes, I know you are probably putting in a 12-hour shift or longer in an attempt to get the mess off the road. This winter storm has left behind precipitation that is as hard as concrete and extremely difficult to remove.

I know. I spent more than an hour shoveling the snow from my sidewalk and chiseling tire paths down the hill of my driveway so I too could go to work. I then spent another hour just getting my truck loose from its icy grip to the ground.

And then, when I got home from work last Thursday, I found that you had graded my street. Again, thank you.

I only minded a little that I had to shovel a 2-foot tall pile of snow and ice from in front of my driveway before I could even park. After all, the street had a nice clean path down the middle of it.

Again, I thank you.

But apparently, you are something of a perfectionist, because not 15 minutes after I finished removing the 2-foot tall pile and once again had a nice wide opening connecting my driveway to the street, you were back on my block scraping a little more.

So, before I could leave and go get some groceries, I had to shovel away another fresh pile of icy goodness blocking the mouth of my driveway.

This time I was not so happy.

Why did my street have to be visited by the only anal-retentive snowplow operator in the world?

How do I know you're anal-retentive? Because just a few minutes later you came down my street a third time, scraping just a little more. Thankfully, I had not left for the grocery store and was outside at that moment, so I managed to wave you away from my driveway before you pushed another pile in front of it.

I guess you're eyes were open at that point since you didn't hit me.

Again, I thank you for plowing my street and for not hitting me.

But please remember that while you are putting in 12-hour shifts in a warm cab, behind the wheel of a powerful truck with a large blade, most homeowners don't have any power equipment capable of dealing with the ice and snow. We just have our shovels and our backs.

Perhaps, when you plow my street after the next snowstorm you can push the mess to the other side of the street rather than piling it up on mine that has 6 houses and usually several cars parked by the curb. The other side has only two houses and few cars ever park there. You my not know that, but hopefully you do now.

Sincerely,

The Crazy Guy Who Tried To Attack The Snowplow on Thursday Night

P.S. Just wanted to let you know that there were no vehicles parked in front of either house that uses my driveway. I know that is sometimes a justification for burying driveway entrances.

P.P.S. Again, thank you for plowing my street.

Dear City Hall Doofuses,

Have you ever heard of the concept of "snow routes?" These would be key streets in the city that no one would be allowed to park on if a winter storm is imminent.

Yes, this would be disruptive to some of the people who live and park their vehicles on those streets. But you know what, to heck with them. They chose to live on those critical public arteries so they should live with the consequences. If they don't like it, then they can move. Or better yet, park in their driveway.

I bet your snowplow operators would especially be happy if they didn't have to worry about navigating around these automotive obstacles on these key routes. That way they could thoroughly clear these mission critical streets.

Your anal-retentive snowplow driver would especially love you.

Sincerely,

Just Trying To Fix Something That Needs Fixing