Piracy Not Just For "Pirates"

Pirates who seized an oil tanker valued at $100 million almost two months ago off the coast of Somalia were paid $3 million to let it go week before last, according to news reports.

Most people call what they have done despicable, that it is an act of piracy and extortion.

But not me.

No, I call it a fine business plan.

Not that I could ever be a pirate. For one thing, I can't swim. It's an irrational phobia that I inherited from my mother and I have never tried to fix.

However, I imagine that swimming is probably one of the top job skills needed to be a successful modern-day pirate. If you're going to work on water, you need to know how to swim.

You can't be a buccaneer if you wear SpongeBob SquarePants water-wings around the pirate ship all the time. The other pirates just won't respect you.

The two next most important skills needed for being a modern day pirate would be the ability to use a variety of automatic weapons and a working knowledge of Microsoft PowerPoint.

While I can muddle my way through PowerPoint, my weapons-training is limited to extremely lower-caliber rifles. OK, who am I kidding. I have a pellet gun with a laser scope that I use to keep pigeons away from my house. It doesn't get much more low-caliber than that.

I definitely do not have the makings to be a modern-day pirate. But still, I can admire their business plan.

They use fear to make a profit.

Pirates are just following the same playbook that other "legitimate" entities have been using for years.

If you don't give the government, a quarter to a third of all the money you make every year, you can be fined in addition to the monies they claim you owe them. They can even throw you in jail.

You fear the fines and potential incarceration.

They call it "taxes."

I call it piracy.

A few years ago, the owner a 30-year-old and somewhat dated shopping mall in St. Louis County wanted to tear it down and rebuild it from the ground-up and have the tax payers subsidize the effort to the tune of almost $30 million.

But to get the funding, the city had to declare the mall "blighted," even though it was almost 100% occupied, grossing more than a $100 million at the time and located in one of the nicest cities in the St. Louis metropolitan area.

That city's Board of Alderman declared the property blighted fearing the mall owners would upgrade one of the other malls it owned in the St. Louis market instead.

The mall owners and the Aldermen call that "tax increment financing."

I call it piracy.

According to the Wall Street Journal, Steve and Barry's, the now defunct clothing store chain, grew aggressively by demanding one-time up-front payments of as much as $3 million from desperate real estate owners wanting to fill large vacant storefronts.

The property owners feared losing a potential tenant and since the clothing chain was signing long-term leases, what did they have to lose? Pay now, but get the money back with interest in the long-run.

Steve and Barry's actually called this a "business plan."

I call it piracy.

Microsoft and many other software manufacturers often build enhancements into their upgrades that require users to update other components of their computer systems. Those updates in turn, often create the need to update other parts of the system and so on and so forth.

Users fear they will not be on the cutting edge or lose compatibility, if they don't continually upgrade.

The software manufactures call this "planned obsolescence."

I call it piracy.

And I would show you the PowerPoint presentation I have on this topic, but it was saved in a new version of Microsoft Office that is incompatible with the one I have installed on this computer.

However, I am not planning on upgrading anytime in the near future.

Take that, you damn pirates!