Salvation Army Needs To Invest In Missile Guidance System

I always feel guilty when I see the Salvation Army bell-ringers stationed outside many stores this time of year.

It's not that I don't donate to them, because I do.

At least I do, when I have cash. After all, they don't take debit cards.

But there are so many of the bell-ringers that you can't possibly make a donation to each of them. Heck, if I did that, I would soon run out of money and I would have to, well, go to the Salvation Army.

So, I make a weekly donation, but I still feel guilty.

I wish that when you gave to one of the bell-ringers that you got a receipt or a hand-stamp or a ticket punched, something that you could show the next bell-ringer that you had already given and weren't just a cheap SOB for not putting something in their collection pail.

Instead, I always feel compelled to give money entering and exiting a store, because the bell-ringer guy or gal might think ill of me.

Not that I actually do that. As I said, I make a weekly donation and I frequently don't have cash.

I just feel compelled to do that. I quickly shake off the feeling.

What would be great is if the Salvation Army distributed electronic key fobs -- similar to the MasterCard PayPass or the Rhodes 101 Advantages Club -- that you could just wave at the bell ringer as you dashed into a given store.

If you had already given that day, the bell-ringer's pot would beep and say:

"Your are a kind and wonderful person. You gave today. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." And then a choir of angels would sing "Amen."

But, if you waved your key fob at the bell-ringer and hadn't given recently AND you kept walking, a siren would howl and the collection pot would blare:

"Warning! Warning! Cheapskate entering Walgreens! Cheapskate entering Walgreens! Warning!"

And then, using it's sophisticated guided missile system, the bell-ringer's pot would launch a dye-pack at the non-giver so everyone would know that when they saw the person covered with fluorescent green paint that he or she was a great big skinflint.

Or they had just robbed a bank.

I see it as a high-tech version of the Scarlet Letter.

I figure a system like this would cost about $30,000 per bell-ringer. You know, missile-guidance systems don't come cheap.

I know that's a lot of money which the Salvation Army could better use for actually pursing their mission. Maybe they could just get by with a faux missile guidance system and have someone spread a rumor -- perhaps even in a blog on the Internet -- about how well the missile-guidance system worked at tagging the non-givers.

They could even include a photo showing "proof" of someone covered in fluorescent green ink.

I'm sure donations would soar.

Now, if they could just figure out a way to take debit cards.