Used cars, and other sacred stuff

Friday, December 13, 2002

I got a big kick out of the Speak Out answer to the question, What would Jesus drive?

The Speak Out answer was drawn from Scripture: "And they were all in one Accord."

After I had a good chuckle, I wondered if the folks in the Bible had an exclusive contract with Honda dealers. Or was it possible that there were other biblical auto preferences?

The list I'm about to reveal to you (having been revealed once before, if you get my drift) is fairly exhaustive. But, like any research scholar, I offer this disclaimer: I'll bet you can come up with some ideas of your own. Feel free.

Please do not call me later today, when my corn flakes are beginning to digest, to tell me how sacrilegious I am. I already know that.

When David had gone a short distance beyond the Summit, there was Ziba ... waiting to meet him. He had a string of donkeys ... with 200 loaves of bread, a hundred cakes of raisins, a hundred cakes of figs and a skin of wine. -- II Samuel 16

My interpretation: David drove his Eagle Summit to meet this fellow who delivering stuff for the party. David was able to load all of this into the Summit, which was a great deal more cost-effective and faster than using all those donkeys. By the way, it was a swell party.

After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a Vision. -- Genesis 15

My interpretation: As best I can gather, the word of the Lord normally went around on a string of donkeys. But after seeing what David could do with his Summit, the Lord popped for an Eagle Vision.

For I did not speak of my own Accord, but the Father who sent me commanded me what to say and how to say it. -- John 12

My interpretation: When you're selling Accords, you need to make sure the sales pitch is just right. The Big Guy knows his wheels.

That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his 11 sons and crossed the Jabbok in a Ford. -- Genesis 32

My interpretation: Obviously, Jacob was driving an extended-cab pickup.

Rejoice greatly, O Daughter of Zion! Shout, Daughter of Jerusalem! See, your king comes to you ... riding ... on a Colt. -- Zechariah 9

My interpretation: It's not easy to pick cars for daughters, but a Dodge Colt is a pretty safe bet.

Only when the Ram's horn sounds a long blast may they go up to the mountain. -- Exodus 19:12

My interpretation: I didn't know ski trips -- or Dodge Rams -- were so popular in biblical times.

Paul gathered a pile of brushwood and, as he put it on the fire, a Viper, driven out by the heat, fastened itself on his hand. -- Acts 28

My interpretation: Clearly, Paul was burning without a permit, which he had done several times before. But the cops were on to him and were staked out in a Dodge Viper waiting to see if he would try again. Sure enough, he did. I think that's when he was hauled off to court in Rome.

When the queen of Sheba heard of Solomon's fame, she came to Jerusalem ... with a very great Caravan ... carrying spices, large quantities of gold and precious stones. She came to Solomon and talked with him about all she had on her mind. -- II Chronicles 9

My interpretation: I'm not sure what all the queen had to say, but I'm sure it was a lot. Fortunately, Solomon had figured out a fee schedule for listening, and his time wasn't cheap. But, then, what is?

His children are far from safety, crushed in court without a Defender. -- Job 5

My interpretation: This is clear evidence that crash dummies were busy even in Job's day. And if you're headed for the courthouse, you better drive a Land Rover Defender or suffer the consequences.

If I've made some of you curious enough to check out these biblical passages (try the New International Version), I have only one thing to say: It's a start. There are some other good parts you might want to check out as well.

R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.

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