Kill Your Neighbors Lawn and Drink His Beer

Monday, April 8, 2002

By Mix 96.5 Resident Freak of Nature, Parker

You've heard of the 'Never-ending Story', the horn o plenty and so on, but have you experienced the Never-ending bar game? It was last weekend, or the weekend before, oh I can't remember when, but it was recently and it was at a bar, so it could have been last night for all I can recall. Anyway I just remember a game of pool that would not end. Have you ever experienced a game of pool, or any bar game that simply refuses to go away?

I myself am not really that great at billiards and the like, however the friends that were playing against me were sharks. They usually sunk all shots with perfection, leaving me standing with stick in one hand and frosty cold beer in the other. Which is fine by me because it allows more time for me to familiarize myself with each mug of the golden goodness. And that's not a reference to a golden shower for those of you freaks out there. It's a science you know. Not the golden shower thing, but familiarizing yourself with each beer.

However this time there was no chance to familiarize yourself with the ground you stood because this round turned into a pain in the arse. Every thirty seconds you had to put the beer down and try. Not to mention all of the innocent bystanders who were waiting to play. If you happen to be one of them, please understand that it just wouldn't end. The harder we tried, the worse it got.

And while it kept getting worse none of us wanted to give up on it. Which is what confuses me. I cannot fathom what made us keep dredging the damn thing on and on for so long. It perplexes me. Was it the beer? No. Were we playing for money? No. Were we trying to impress girls? No. So what would make four grown men play a never ending game of pool? I don't know either. Not even my best Parkerism could explain it.

You know, I would love to see a South Park episode on a never-ending bar game. I could just see Butters getting hustled by some pool sharks. Oh, Hamburgers! Speaking of South Park, I think my friend Dave "The Original Big Bang" said it best when he said "they (Trey Parker and Matt Stone) won't be happy till they offend everyone."

Which was the original goal of Kill Napoleon but I decided to turn this column into a forum for random streams of conciousness and write about whatever comes to mind when Donna (woman in charge of Off) reminds me my submission is late.

Have a good April and remember.......................

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