LETTERS: FREE STOCK TIPS WORTH WHAT YOU PAY

To the editor:

The stock market has been in the news a lot lately. The Southeast Missourian has recently published some very interesting material about it. Though I have no formal training or interest in the subject, I still fancy myself a stock market expert.

Thus, the following 21 tips are designed to assist Southeast Missourian readers who may be investors or who may be considering investing in the stock market. The tips are in ascending order of importance. 21. Buying on the margarine can be slippery and spot your clothing. 20. A reference to selling short is shorthand for selling shorts and is not recommended during the winter. 19. Stocks with a lot of liquidity can have a spillover effect. 18. You have an advantage in over-the-counter stock purchasing if you have long arms. 17. Lift weights before investing over the long haul. 16. The signing of Michael Jordan and Dennis Rodman presages a continuing bull market. 15. The par value of stocks is directly proportional to the degree of success of Tiger Woods' putting. 14. If you live in an area that has harsh winters, wear plenty of clothing in order to survive a bare market. 13. If you are a stock investor who suffers from insomnia, watch "Wall Street Week in Review." 12. No-par stock is not recommended for disheartened duffers. 11. If your are attracted to acronyms like Nasdaq and NYSE, you are strange but have a good chance of success in the stock market. 10. Dow Jones is distantly related to George Jones. (Excuse me while I pause, take stock of what I've typed and recoup. Thanks.)

9. Do not be intimidated when confronting the newspaper stock report if you have a Ph.D. in the Greek language. 8. Watch "Star Trek" of you're thinking of speculating in the futures market. 7. If you want to try to corner the market, choose a safe one such as Broadway and Lorimier. 6. Don't buy Barry bonds. 5. Keep in mind that the SEC does a good job regulating the stock market and producing good football teams. 4. If you are a pretty good golfer, this will translate into success in the stock market, and you will see divots end. 3. Common people should stick with common stocks. People who are afforded special preferences, preferred stocks. And people who have lost their shirts should have their heads but in stocks. 2. The word commodities is a combination of the words commode and oddities and should be avoided except by those not properly toilet trained. 1. Flip-flopping the words "stock market" becomes "market stock." This is clearly the most significant, unambiguous tip for investors. Sell stock. Or buy stock. Or something.

STEVE MOSLEY

Cape Girardeau