Satire: News from the future (maybe)

Thursday, February 21, 2019

The following stories may or may not appear in a future edition of B Magazine:

April 1, 2019

With creditors circling overhead, Sears stuns the entire world by announcing the no-profit company will be converted into a not-for-profit organization. The CEO of Sears says, "We haven't turned a profit since 2010, so transforming into a not-for-profit, tax-exempt organization will be a piece of cake. Our vast real-estate holdings aren't doing us any good, so we're going to close our remaining stores and dedicate the space for charitable purposes."

May 2019

Hoping to increase the level of traffic crossing the Bill Emerson Memorial Bridge, the Cape Girardeau Convention & Visitors Bureau launches a new smartphone app called BridgeBucks. Users who install the app will be rewarded with coupons and discounts to local businesses every time they cross the bridge. "Traffic has been well below expectations since the bridge was built," says a CVB spokesperson. "We really hope to boost traffic numbers so we can convince Illinois to finally build a four-lane highway that actually goes somewhere."

June 2019

In a revolutionary announcement, Apple unveils the iPhone Zero, a smartphone that is optimized for making phone calls. "We've aggressively eliminated complexity to improve the telecommunication experience," boasts the Apple CEO. "Back when we removed the headphone jack from our iPhones, we were just getting started. Now we've taken the courageous step of removing apps, cameras, Wi-Fi and other distractions from our market-leading phones. At a starting price of only $1,400, this is the thinnest and best mobile device on the market."

October 2019

A Cape Girardeau entrepreneur receives a patent for a method to convert children's energy into electricity. By embedding nano-scale generators into clothing, the "Kidnetics" system harvests the perpetual motion of children to produce electricity. A brochure proclaims, "As a parent, don't you wish you could have the energy of a 5-year-old again? Now you can!"

December 2019

As part of their divorce proceedings, a joint-custody agreement is hammered out by Jeff Bezos and soon-to-be-ex-wife MacKenzie. Jeff will have custody of on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and alternating Sundays, while MacKenzie will have custody for the remaining days.

January 2020

Google announces it will phase out its search engine. "In an effort to streamline our product portfolio, we have decided to initiate a turndown of our search engine within the next year," explains a Google news release. "Considering that most Internet users now rely solely on social media they can easily find on their own, we predict that demand for legacy search tools will decline sharply."

March 2020

The FDA approves a blockbuster new prescription drug, Distractalin, to treat the growing problem of Attention Surplus Disorder. Multiple studies conclude ASD sufferers, with their tendency to focus on things for more than 30 seconds at a time, are increasingly in the minority, causing them to be marginalized from modern American society. "For years, we've been approaching the problem all wrong. It's the people with ASD who are abnormal," explains Dr. Ima Kwacke, co-inventor of the new drug. "With Distractalin, we'll be able to unburden ASD patients from the shackles of concentrating too much."