Loving Them Enough to Let Them Go

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Tips for how to handle empty nest syndrome

Your kids. They come into your life as squirmy little infants who need you to do everything for them. From there, you are with them through babyhood, the toddler stage, pre-school, elementary school, the awkward “tween” years and high school. You wipe runny noses and help heal skinned knees, broken bones and broken hearts for 18 solid years.

And then, in what seems like the blink of an eye, you are buying them dorm bedding and Rubbermaid totes and packing them off to college.

How do you handle having the center of your world hundreds — or thousands — of miles away? How do you cope with the sadness of having your child gone for weeks — if not months — at a time? Is there anything you can do to prepare for this time so it doesn’t hit you so hard?

I’ve been through this experience myself, and so have many of my friends. Here are some tips we’ve used to connect with our college students who are living away, as well as some advice on how to deal with having them gone.

Communicate

Truthfully, for me, the dread of our daughter, Bridget, leaving for the University of Missouri was almost worse than when she actually left. While I was excited for her to begin this new adventure, I found myself weeping uncontrollably in our laundry room (why I chose that room, I don’t know) many times during the summer before she left.

But what has saved me from completely losing it while she is away is being able to be in contact with her so easily. We text back and forth several times a day, and we talk on the phone if not every day, at least every few days. (I realize some kids are more communicative than others, and since mine is a communications major, I probably get by easy on that one.) Since texting is so unobtrusive, text your college students every day or two and ask or tell them something.

Students: Be sure to text your parents back, even if it’s only a few words. It only takes seconds, and you’ve probably got your phone in your hand 24/7, anyway!

Get to know their friends

Another thing I do to keep from missing my college kiddo so badly: I ask her to send me pictures of things she and her friends are doing. I make it a point to learn the names of her friends in the pictures, and I try to meet them in person if I can when we go to Columbia, Missouri, to visit. That way, I feel a little bit closer to “her world.”

A dear friend of mine bought me this cool wire hanger with clips to hang pictures on the wall. (Someone who is crafty could probably easily make this.) I have it hanging in my kitchen, and I always keep it full of pictures of Bridget and her college friends. It holds six photos, and you can switch them out easily. Seeing pictures of her smiling with her college friends makes me feel happy and closer to her.

Tips from other parents

Pam Rhodes of Cape Girardeau has a son, Sam, who is completing a MBA degree at the University of Mississippi, and another son, Zachary, who is working toward a bachelor’s degree at the University of Missouri. She shares these tips for staying connected:

“Let your college student know they can call or text anytime 24/7 whenever they feel like talking,” she says. “While academics are a priority, have conversations about their personal lives and feelings, as well.”

Rhodes also suggests sending care packages and finding a meeting spot halfway between both of you, if possible.

“I’ve met Zachary in St. Louis for last-minute dinners several times,” she says.

Karen Retter, of Cape Girardeau, already has sent two kids off to college and is getting ready to send her third. Her daughter, Caroline, began attending Purdue University in Lafayette, Indiana, in 2013, graduated in 2017 and currently is working in Chicago. Her middle child, Christian, started at Purdue University in 2015. Her youngest, Carson, will be heading to Indiana University in Bloomington, Indiana, this fall. Retter used these ideas to stay in touch with her college students:

“I send cards with $5-$10 gift cards in them to local places,” she says. “I either pick up the gift cards when visiting or call and have them send some to me. I also mail medium flat-rate boxes stuffed with things they like around exam time. When I had two at Purdue, I paid for them to have dinner together once a week so they made time to see each other. Around the holidays, I sent gift cards to their roommates and suitemates also, so they could go get a treat together.”

Invest in yourself

If your college student was a big part of your life, how do you fill the void when they are gone?

Rhodes, who is a single mom, was hit with a double-whammy of empty nest syndrome, as both her boys went away to college the same year. (Sam, who is two years older than his brother, Zachary, lived at home and attended Southeast Missouri State University for two years before transferring to Ole Miss his junior year.)

“I never anticipated both boys moving away at the same time since they weren’t the same age,” Rhodes says. “It was a big struggle for me. I prayed a lot for all three of us. I keep my Bible by my bed and source what to pray for depending on our needs.”

Rhodes also credits her two dogs with helping her adjust to having her boys gone.

“My dogs were a big part of my companionship, and I truly believe they helped with my loneliness,” she says.

She also started enjoying her artsy side again.

“I started sewing again, and I started attending paint nights with girlfriends, which opened up my desire to paint pictures on my own for family and friends,” she says.

Retter also found ways to stay busy with two of her three children off to college.

“I substitute teach at school, read, visit with friends and bike,” she says.

Are there things you can do to prepare beforehand for having your student gone?

Retter recommends having some things planned for those first few weeks.

“Go to lunch, do some work projects, paint their bedroom and clean it. You’ll be amazed at what you find! They really don’t need their high school freshman required reading materials anymore,” she jokes.

Rhodes says she prepared by making lists for herself, knowing she would be lonely once her boys were gone.

“I made a list of household projects, new and old hobbies to get involved with again and friends to reconnect with,” she says.

In a nutshell, my advice for dealing with the sadness when your college student moves away is to text and talk often, go visit them when you can and always encourage them to come home whenever they want or need to. It’s tough at first, but trust me, you will all survive this exciting new chapter!