Parallel Hair, Big Deal

The results of the last presidential election surprised a lot of folks, to say the least. There have been many theories of why Donald Trump beat Hillary Rodham Clinton: it was a vote against Obama and his policies, it was a nation still not prepared for a woman president, Trump was taller, etc. (Actually, the vast majority of elections in our history have seen the taller candidate win, so this view might have some merit.) Still, I have an alternate theory not being discussed in the mainstream media.

I think he won because of his hair.

Yes, I believe his magnificent mop of fantastic follicles was a key element in his victory. A major moment in the campaign occurred when he allowed a newsperson to tug at his tresses, proving they were real. “This is the real deal,” Americans told themselves, and voted accordingly.

Oh, I suppose Hillary had decent hair, although probably artificially enhanced in some way or other. But it couldn’t compare to the Donald, whose hair seemed like — I don’t know — some sort of living thing! I was reminded of tribbles, the furry little creatures on “Star Trek.” Everyone loves tribbles! At least until they take over the ship.

Many famous people have had memorable — even magnificent — hair. Madame de Pompadour, Elvis, Dolly Parton and various other country singers. Even the bride of Frankenstein, the B-52’s, Slash, Cher, Baba Wawa, Einstein, Cousin Itt. The list goes on and on.

Some celebrities (Madame Pompadour, Dolly, Slash, Cher, Cousin Itt) have been known almost exclusively for their hair, with no other discernible talent. In the case of Slash and Cousin Itt, you never even see their faces. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing. You wonder what they tell their barbers: “A little off the top, but ABSOLUTELY NOTHING from the front!”

I saw a recent picture of Cher, and she had incredibly kinky, incredibly long, black hair. You certainly didn’t think about her singing talents, or lack thereof. Just that ridiculous hair. And Slash must have an incredible feel for his guitar, since there’s no way he can see what notes he’s playing.

Ironically, some people have become famous for an absence of hair. Telly Savalas made a career out of baldness. It didn’t hurt Don Rickles, either. He was even called “Bald Eagle” as an Indian in an episode of “F Troop,” for example. Michael Jordan’s shaved head was his signature look. And I’m pretty sure the “Taco Bell” Chihuahua was of the hairless variety. Just saying …

As for me, I have very unnoteworthy hair. It’s brown, for the most part, and it just sits there. When I comb it — which is rarely — most of it is parallel (more on this later). But it’s still just hair to me. Many people take their follicular fascination far more seriously.

It was the comedian Gallagher who said, “Parallel hair, big deal.” He also added, “It’s the tangles and kinks holding most of it in,” implying that regular brushing would be the end of his hair, and possibly his career. I can certainly sympathize.

I did a program on Mark Twain recently, who was definitely more memorable because of his voluminous white hair and mustache. Actually, he was a redhead originally, which perhaps inspired this Twain quote: “When red-haired people are above a certain social grade, their hair is auburn.”

So if you want to be famous, either shave your head or let your hair grow wild and long. Then you might want to start looking into some fundraising.

You know, in case you run for president.