Being politic in ‘Ellen Noise’

I live in Illinois — or, to many of you, “Ellen Noise.” Not that we have a monopoly on state pronunciation/mispronunciation (Mizzou-rah? Mizzou-ree? During summer months, I’ve always insisted it should be pronounced “Misery”). In my state, we’re fine with incredible political corruption. We grew up with it!

Usually I visit some friends in Chile and Argentina in February — it’s summer there, and it’s February here, comprende? They’re somewhat known internationally as previous, if not current, hotbeds of political shenanigans (Pinochet, Peron various ex-Nazis, “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina,” etc.). When we (rarely) discuss politics in Illinois (or “Eel Annoys,” as they say), they listen in awe to my true tales of terrible political troubles. South American amateurs!

This history of corruption goes back about as far as our state history. Gov. Joel Matteson (1853-1857) embezzled more than $250,000, yet was never tried or convicted. That was a lot of cabbage in the 1850s! More recently, four of our last seven governors have gone to jail. We only have one in right now (former governor Rod Blagojevich), although we’ve had several in at once in the past. Rod had his many appeals denied quite recently and will be serving out his entire 14-year sentence. Doing us proud!

If you’ll recall, Rod was the one with the big hair (not quite Trump big, but big) who tried to sell Barack Obama’s recently vacated Senate seat to the highest bidder. Selling public offices for personal gain is also an old Illinois tradition. Another Illinoisan, Obama went on to become president after briefly not serving in the state Senate (where he voted “present” 129 times) and also not serving in the U.S. Senate. He’s been proudly not serving as our president for nearly eight years. Golf, anyone?

Several months ago, I heard on the news that Virginia’s governor had gotten into some sort of legal trouble. The story emphasized that this was the first time a Virginia governor had been in any sort of hot water. After laughing so hard that Bosco shot out my nose, I couldn’t help but contrast this with my state’s (Ellen Noise, remember?) history. If there was an Olympic event for political corruption, Illinois would field a world-class, winning team. Take that, Virginia amateurs!

We’ve also had various other political scandals over the years, especially in Chicago. Voting seems to be a more open and liberal experience there, as evidenced by the many nonresidents, illegal immigrants and even dead people who have traditionally been able to vote in and therefore influence elections. It’s always been interesting to me how many of these questionable voters go for the Democratic candidate(s). Must be something about the Chicago water. Which just might kill you, come to think of it.

Our current political queen of corruption, Hillary Clinton, was also born in Illinois. It was with total reluctance that she became a New York resident extremely briefly in order to become their carpetbagger Senator. She’d just as soon we all forget about Arkansas entirely.

Yes, corruption in politics is a treasured institution in my state. For some reason we’re actually the state that more people want to leave than any other. Really! We haven’t had a budget, let alone a balanced one, for eons. Of course, the same is true of the country as a whole, so maybe we’re not that bad after all. I hope you vote in the upcoming election, in any case. Although you might reconsider if you’re dead.

About R.W. Weeks

Rob is a retired Southern Illinois University instructor who lives on his family's farm in Union County, Illinois. His mother, Joan, who is a nice person, lives in Cape Girardeau.