Something spooky is going on, and I know what it is

Friday, July 26, 2013

Don't panic, but something strange is happening to Cape Girardeau, and I think I have an explanation.

Remember last year's drought? Remember the storm patterns as low-pressure systems and weather fronts moved across Southeast Missouri? I told you then something wasn't right. But now I think I can put my finger on the reason.

Maybe you watched weather radar on your computer Sunday as forecasts promised rain. But it didn't rain here to speak of. And did you see what was happening on radar?

There it was, that mysterious circle of rainless weather around Cape Girardeau. If you put our fair city in the middle and drew a circle whose edge just caught Anna, Ill., and Advance, Mo., you would have a picture of what I'm talking about.

As storms move into our area from the west, they look sure to slam us with a good thunderstorm or more. But several miles west of here the storms divide, sending rain and lightning to the north and to the south. Somewhere in Southern Illinois the storm's halves rejoin.

I am not making this up.

I don't think we're in any sort of rain shadow. We don't have anything to the west big enough to block thunderstorms. But it's happening anyway. And here's why:

Aliens.

I don't know much about ETs and UFOs and the such, but I know that's the only explanation that makes good sense.

Oh, sure, the meteorologists at KFVS are full of information, and it all sounds well and good. They see what's going on. They haven't said anything because they don't want to cause a panic. That's responsible TV reporting. And since it's bad enough that the best parts of sports events and cliffhanger programs are pre-empted every time the Weather Service hiccups, it's a good thing we aren't told the truth about what's going on around here.

Otherwise we'd be digging up our yards to make bunkers, and hoarding bread and milk, or moving to Sikeston.

I don't know where these aliens are from. Yet. I mean, none of them has contacted me. Maybe they tried and I didn't hear them. Everyone says my hearing is shot. Or maybe one of the aliens walked right up to me and I just assumed it was a tourist from Minnesota or goodness knows where.

Have you seen them?

If you have, you should report it. It would be the responsible thing to do. I don't know who takes reports about extraterrestrials. If you call any law-enforcement agency, be careful what you say. They don't take kindly to crank calls. If you think you've seen someone from outer space, make darn sure you've got your facts lined up like ducks in a row.

Meanwhile, what to do about this no-rain dome that has been put over our River City of Roses?

The usual tricks don't seem to be working. I've washed my car a couple of times. I watered the lawn where I seeded new grass this spring.

Aliens, it seems, know how to get here but know nothing about our local customs. One can only assume they will learn that newly washed automobiles and freshly watered lawns are how we humans here on Earth signal that we need rain.

Sinkholes in the south end of Cape? Could this be the result of secret underground mining by aliens?

There are lots of mysteries hereabout that could be explained if we just admit that ETs are here. Maybe down the street. Maybe in our parks. Maybe camped out by LaCroix Creek trying to figure out the traffic circle that's under construction.

You never know about aliens. Be careful.

Joe Sullivan is the retired editor of the Southeast Missourian.

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