Pre-marriage counseling: A tool for two

So, your pastor wants you and your honey to complete pre-marriage counseling. Nervous? Don't be!

The goal of pre-marriage counseling is not to test your compatibility or commitment, but to get you talking about life beyond the wedding, says the Rev. Paul Short, senior pastor at St. Andrew Lutheran Church in Cape Girardeau.

"I try to help them to enter into the marriage relationship with eyes more wide open than not. It's amazing what couples have not discussed when they are getting married," says Short. The big three? Finances, children and roles, or who's going to do what in the marriage, he says. There's almost always an assumption on each side, but couples shouldn't wait until marriage to discuss their needs and interests, similarities and differences, strengths and weaknesses.

"There will always be changes, at least to some degree, but to go into a marriage blindly, without being aware in oneself and the other partner, lays the foundation for large problems," says Short.

Pre-marriage counseling at St. Andrew begins with an introductory session where Short and the couple get to know each other and discuss the wedding details. Short has the couple fill out a pre-marriage information form with about 100 questions; from there, the couple may choose one of two pre-marriage inventories for a more in-depth analysis during future sessions. Almost every couple elects to continue with an inventory, he says. While counseling typically takes two or three sessions, more may be needed for unique situations like remarriages and blended families.

Karen Nothdurft, associate pastor at Centenary United Methodist Church, emphasizes that pre-marriage counseling is more about the discussion between the bride and groom, with the pastor simply introducing topics and helping the couple "break the ice" on the big issues. She has couples complete an online assessment covering everything from family backgrounds, money and spiritual goals to sexuality, money and children. The pastor and the couple each receive reports, which frame discussions for the face-to-face counseling sessions. What Nothdurft likes about this system is that couples are responding to things they've already thought about and answered in the assessment -- than can make it easier and more comfortable to discuss the issues in person.

"This is what they said; it's not me deciding what they need to know," she says. Counseling should act as a tool for helping couples learn to communicate and "practice" with their pastor so they're prepared when the issue really does come around. Couples also take home a handbook with more exercises to do on their own, like plan a budget and make goals as individuals and a couple.

"There are a lot of tools given that go beyond the three of us talking together. It lets them have a plan to approach hard topics," says Nothdurft.

She spends about four one-hour sessions with couples, starting with the assessment and counseling and wrapping up with details for the big day.

"If you're open to learning it can be very helpful, but if you feel like you have to do it, it's not going to be very helpful," says Nothdurft -- and it's the same idea with marriage itself, she adds.

"Marriage is a discovery process," says Short. "You never know about someone now what you'll know about them 10 years or 20 years or, in my case, 43 years from now, and that's fun. That's the great thing about marriage. It's risky and the excitement is continually growing as you're getting to know each other more."

Keep the information flowing

If you're not going through pre-marriage counseling, or even if you are, the Rev. Paul Short of St. Andrew Lutheran Church recommends the book "1,001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married" by Monica Leahy. Get some coffee, head to the bookstore and flip through the book together, even if you only make it through 10 or 20 questions. "It's more than a wedding. The goal is to prepare you for marriage. The marriage part is what we're after," says Short.