This is the last and final warning you're going to get from me. Where will you be Sunday afternoon?
Starting at 1:30 p.m. at the Common Pleas Courthouse Park in downtown Cape Girardeau (come earlier if you haven't preregistered), a contingent of downtown golfers will be playing and eating at the First-Ever Sixth Annual Louis J. Lorimier Memorial Downtown Golf Tournament and All-You-Can-Eat Catfish Buffet. The catfish will be served in the Yacht Club upstairs at Port Cape Restaurant.
Folks, it costs $25 to play. The money goes to the Red House Interpretive Center. Don't let the entry fee keep you away. Downtown golf is the most fun you can have legally for just $25.
And you say you're not a golfer? Who is? I watched pro golfer Phil Mickelson, one of the best around, in the U.S. Open last weekend. I saw him hit out of a bunker across the green into a lake on the other side. "Look!" I shouted at my wife, who was reading her book as the shot was replayed again and again. "What?" she said. "Look, he hits out of the sand just like I do!"
Phil and I can show you what not to do in one easy lesson.
Phil, unfortunately, will not be at Sunday afternoon's downtown golf tournament. But you can be there, and it doesn't matter if you've never held a golf club in your hands. If you show up, you'll have a ball. Guaranteed.
Speaking of golf, when I say I play like Phil Mickelson, what I mean is you could compile a collection of 100 or so of Phil's worst shots ever and you would have a fair record of my normal golf game.
Over the past 35 years or so I've played a little golf, but not enough -- and not seriously at all. For many of those years my only golf outings were scrambles at charity tournaments. Scrambles do not really test your playing prowess, but they're lots of fun.
When I retired last year, one of the items at the top of my to-do list was golf. So I have been playing golf somewhat seriously since last November. Winter, of course, kept me away from a golf course most of the time. Then spring arrived. Spring 2011 has been a doozy, which means I've really been golfing for about two months.
And it shows.
But I like to think I'm improving. Each round I play these days includes a handful of what I consider to be quality shots, and my score is slowly improving.
Trees, water and sand continue to be giant magnets for whatever ball I use, and I've tried them all.
Real golf is a blast. I play as often as possible. I like think I'm improving or learning something every time I swing a club.
But honestly, y'all. You'll have the most fun playing downtown golf.
Joe Sullivan is the retired editor of the Southeast Missourian.