Are You Sexy? A Pop Quiz

Wednesday, January 5, 2005

by Tom Edwards

Find out the definitive answer by taking this short, infallibly objective quiz. Remember: There are no winners or losers, just certain individuals who will invariably be more liked, work less hard, and reach their life's goals sooner, regardless of their idiotic behavior or mental shortcomings, because they reek of sexiness.


Chin?

Chiseled and Butt-like. +5 Points

Weak and Glassy. -2 Points

Which One? -5 Points


Complexion?

Warm, Glowing, and Healthy. +6 Points

Chubby, Pale, and "Slick 50" Greasy. -1 Point

Gaunt, Nocturnal, and Deathly. -3 Points

Petri Dish Germ Culture with a Splotch of Dried Mustard from Lunch. - 6 Points

Frequently Seen in Post Offices on FBI Most Wanted Bulletins. -28 Points


Eyes?

Pierced with Incisive Gleam. +5 Points

Wracked with Fear. -I Points

Dull with Double Digit IQ. -3 Points

Behind 'Blue Blockers' with Tasmanian Devil Rims. -15 Points


Nose?

Symetric and Proportional. +4 Points

Pointy. -1 Point

Puggy. -2 Points

Bulbous. -3 Points

Broken in Bar Fight 11 Minutes Ago. -5 Points


Hair?

Flowing Coiffe.+6 Points

Greasy Pelt. -1 Point

Wookie. -2 Points

Crusty Brillo Pad. -3 Points

Dead Woodlands Creature on Head. -4 Points

Lost in Drain Back in '89. -5 Points


Smile?

Bright, Wide, and Brilliant. +5 Points

Sheepish and Wormy. -1 Point

Seasons of Nicotine, Coffee, and Suspect Dental Hygiene. -1 Point

Molars, Incisors, and Bicuspids: Rare or Very Chaotic. -3 Points

Left in Jar By Bed Nightly. -5 Points


Eyebrows?

Groomed, Tamed, and In Control. +4 Points

Mono-Brow. -1 Point

Lowenbrau (21' Century Cro-Magnon Man). -4 Points

Fraggle Rock - 5 Points


Breath?

Fresh, Minty, and Inviting. +6 Points

Head Cold Stale. -1 Point

Skunky and Putrid. -2 Points

Chili Cheese Corn Chips. -3 Points

99 Degree Smokeless Tobacco and Cheap Scotch. -5 Points

Munching Dingleberries Off a Yack. -8 Points


Posterior?

Rock Hard Rump. +4 Points

Flat, Relatively Non Existent. +0 Points

2 Pale Lifeless Stacks of Flap Jacks. -2 Points

Downright Expansive. -4 Points

A Quarter Pounder Away from Having Your Very Own Sewer District. -6 Points


Chest?

Taut, Strong, and Firm. +5 Points

Flabby, Weak, and Concave. -1 Points

Pasty Handfuls of Impotent Flesh. -2 Points

Price Check--Aisle 9- Bras and Undergarments. -6 Points


Arms?

Sinewy, Tough, and Defined. +5 Points

Squishy Mashed Potatoes. -2 Points

Waifish and Brittle. - 3 Points

Heavily Tattooed with the Names of Former Husbands from Decade Spent in the Clink. -19 Points


Legs?

Sturdy Stumps. +4 Points

Big Bird. 0 Points

Formless, Stubby Masses. -3 Points


Back?

Broad, Lean and Tapered Like a Stallion. +5 Points

Broad, Gelatinous, and Mounded Like a Baby Elephant. -1 Points

Narrow, Bony, and Emaciated Like a Junk Yard Dog. - 1 1/2 Points

Cloaked in Tufts of Fur Like a Silverback Gorilla. -5 Points


Stomach?

Rippled Washboard Abdominator. +6 Points

Flat and Featureless. +1 Point

Engorged By Years of Abuse-Beer, Cheese, and Various Processed Meats - 4 Points

No Notch Exists on Any Belt in the World, SumoBoy. -6 Points


Hands?

Strong, Yet Soft and Gentle. +4 Points

Excessively Handsy-For the Most Part Inappropriately. -1 Point

Clammy and Chewed to the Nub. -2 Points

Rat-Like and Severely Calloused. - 2 Points

Swollen, Hammy, and Smells Like Expired Cod. -3 Points


Height?

Sizable Stature. +5 Points

Homo sapiens ssp. Giraffe. +I Point

Sorry, Kid. Merry-Go-Round Only. -2 Points

Swarthy Garden Gnome. - 4 Points


Add up your points, and consult the scale.

79-61 (The calculator is correct - you are a certified babe magnet and future Presidential hopeful)

60-41 (Respectable, yes. But more often than not you hear, "No!"

40-19 (Libido, we have a problem.)

18-0 ("My place or yours, or maybe we can just get it over with in my Tercel.")

-1--24 (The quintessential Mr. Personality.)

-25--38 (Can we just be friends? Please?)

-39--53 (Your life's vocation may involve a carnival)

-54--72 (On the day of your creation, the dice of mother genetics definitely would not have passed Nevada Gaming Commision Standards)

-73--89 (Dogs make wonderful lifelong companions.)

-90--94 (You will most likely date a super model who finds you "interesting".)

-95- ? (By exemplifying utter hopelessness, in an odd way, your visage offers eternal hope to mankind who feels unsexy -- or just wants a good laugh at another man's expense.)

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