-- Posted by Old John on Thu, Feb 27, 2014, at 6:23 PM
A Man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I haveto confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're notaround. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, butthat's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you willaccept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed hisgun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
**** autocorrect,I meant wifi not wife!
-- Posted by rocknroll on Thu, Feb 27, 2014, at 6:37 PM
Looks like Mic thought mount was a bad word.
-- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Thu, Feb 27, 2014, at 7:19 PM
Bubba goes to a revival and listens intently to the pastor's every word.
After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.
To the pastor's great surprise, Bubba gets in line. It takes awhile, but Bubba is very patient.
When it's his turn the pastor says, "It's been a long time since you came in, Bubba."
Bubba simply nods.
The pastor says. "What do you want me to pray about?"
Bubba says, "Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing."
So the pastor puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays loud and long.
After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "OK, Bubba, how's your hearing now?"
"I don't know pastor," Bubba says. "It's not until next Wednesday."
-- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Thu, Feb 27, 2014, at 7:20 PM
Regret, I can identify with that hearing thing. A while back I thought I lost that old original SS card and went to the SS office to apply for a replacement. A big guy with gun ready asked "are you here for your hearing". I told him I could hear fine.
He didn't think it was funny.
-- Posted by Old John on Thu, Feb 27, 2014, at 7:34 PM
-- Posted by Old John on Thu, Feb 27, 2014, at 7:34 PM
Old John,
About 15 years ago an acquaintance said something cute down at the SS Office and had to hire an attorney to finally get his situation resolved. They made him do it the hard way. And this is the same guy who told me one time.... never call your banker a SOB. Some people learn slower than others.
-- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Thu, Feb 27, 2014, at 7:48 PM
REDNECK VACATION
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Y'all know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year, I'm gonna do it different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned, if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"I'm taking Earlene with me."
-- Posted by rocknroll on Thu, Feb 27, 2014, at 8:25 PM
Texas police
Gotta love those Texas police. They do care.
This story involves the police department in the small hill country town of Fredericksburg , TX ; who reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87bridge.
The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Kerrville .
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a Red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids,1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.
The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family anyunnecessary embarrassment.
-- Posted by rocknroll on Thu, Feb 27, 2014, at 8:28 PM
Texas police
Gotta love those Texas police. They do care.
This story involves the police department in the small hill country town of Fredericksburg , TX ; who reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87bridge.
The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Kerrville .
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a Red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids,1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.
The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family anyunnecessary embarrassment.
-- Posted by rocknroll on Thu, Feb 27, 2014, at 8:28 PM
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, "What's wrong?" The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, "I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She's a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed."
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, "But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?"
The old man looks at the bartender and says, "I can't remember where I live!"
-- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Thu, Feb 27, 2014, at 9:36 PM
A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball.
-- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Thu, Feb 27, 2014, at 9:45 PM
-- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Fri, Feb 28, 2014, at 11:12 PM
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough
-- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Sat, Mar 1, 2014, at 8:47 PM
Cowboy: "That your dog?"
Indian: "Yep."
Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie"
-- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Sat, Mar 1, 2014, at 8:50 PM
Dear Lord,
This has been a tough period in my life.
You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze. You have taken my favorite musician Lou Reed, my favorite blues singer Amy Winehouse, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor and my favorite female singer Eydie Gorme.
You have taken my favorite comedian Jonathan Winters, and now my favorite author Tom Clancy!
I just want you to know that my favorite politicians are Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer, Diane Feinstein, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and Harry Reid.
Amen.
-- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Sat, Mar 1, 2014, at 9:06 PM
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