Speak Out: Funny Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Replies (5)

• Little Johnny was walking down the sidewalk one day with a small bottle in his hand when he notices a minister walking toward him with a bottle like his. Little Johnny stops the minister and asks what the little bottle is....The minister says " Oh Little Johnny, this is holy water and if you rub some of this on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a baby boy"... Little Johnny says "Father, that ain't nothing, if you rub a little of this on a cat's butt, it will pass a motorcycle"

  -- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Mon, Apr 22, 2013, at 5:08 PM

• The trucker joke brings back memories. I first heard it as: Leroy's been my swamper for 30 years and he ain't ....

  May be wrong but I think it was on 8-track with a bunch of raucious jokes, Oh yeah, heard about the Red Ball driver?

  -- Posted by Old John on Tue, Apr 23, 2013, at 12:33 AM

• The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

  Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

  OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

  "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

  A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

  The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

  The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

  After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

  So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

  Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

  "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

  -- Posted by Shapley Hunter on Wed, Apr 24, 2013, at 10:04 AM

• In the past, when a young person applied for medical school, he or she had to pass an exam that included non-multiple choice answers.

  One of the questions was:

  "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect."

  Those who spelled SPINE became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.

  -- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Thu, Apr 25, 2013, at 9:07 PM

• Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

  Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

  He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

  The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

  When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

  A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

  When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

  Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

  The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

  -- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Fri, Apr 26, 2013, at 1:05 PM