A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing... You're just like Frank!"
Cabbie: "Frank". He's a guy who did everything right, all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star -- you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank, could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow indeed. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his **** wife."
A little late for the Friday Funnies but I was giving mouth to mouth to a drowning frog tonight.
What's the difference between Obama and God?
God doesn't think he's Obama....
Why is Obama so jealous of Hillary Clinton?
She's the one with cajones..
What does Obama call an illegal alien?
What's the problem with Obama jokes?
His followers don't think they're funny and others don't think they're jokes...
Did the frog make it?
Got to be a French joke in there somewhere.
Never saw so many bitter folks in my 80 years.
This thread is for people with a sense of humor,dexter. Just checking in to see someone having a bit of fun? Hard to take,isn't it?
Anyway, I went to a really nice restaurant the other night. I noticed all the waiters had a spoon in their shirt pocket and a string hanging out of their flys.
Had to ask my waiter what was going on.
He said the owner hired an efficiency expert who found that spoons are dropped more often than knives or forks so we carry one to replace them. Saves a trip to the kitchen.
I thought that was pretty smart so I asked about the strings.
He says the expert determined the wait staff could save 10 minutes per shift if they didn't have to wash after using the restroom so the string is tied to the end of their "business" so it could be pulled out without touching it thereby eliminating the need to wash up.
That seemed pretty smart,too,so I asked him how he put his "business" back in.
"I don't know about the other guys but I use the spoon."
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied, " Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
Limit all U.S. politicians to two Terms.
One in office
One in prison
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.
The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated a whale could not
swallow a human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches,
And she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke......and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Posting a comment requires free registration: