Speak Out: Funny almost Friday

Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Thu, Sep 8, 2011, at 10:04 PM:

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's s*****g me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Replies (14)

  • Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a

    STC (Senior Texting Code).. If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

    Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

    ATD:

    At The Doctor's

    BFF:

    Best Friend Fainted

    BTW:

    Bring The Wheelchair

    BYOT:

    Bring Your Own Teeth

    CBM:

    Covered By Medicare

    CGU:

    Can't get up

    CUATSC:

    See You At The Senior Center

    DWI:

    Driving While Incontinent

    FWB:

    Friend With Beta Blockers

    FWIW:

    Forgot Where I Was

    FYI:

    Found Your Insulin

    GGPBL:

    Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low!

    GHA:

    Got Heartburn Again

    HGBM:

    Had Good Bowel Movement

    IMHO:

    Is My Hearing-Aid On?

    LMDO:

    Laughing My Dentures Out

    LOL:

    Living On Lipitor

    LWO:

    Lawrence Welk's On

    OMMR:

    On My Massage Recliner

    OMSG:

    Oh My! Sorry Gas.

    ROFL... CGU:

    Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

    TTYL:

    Talk To You Louder

    WAITT:

    Who Am I Talking To?

    WTFA:

    Wet The Furniture Again

    WTP:

    Where's The Prunes?

    WWNO:

    Walker Wheels Need Oil

    GGLKI:

    (Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In)

    -- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Thu, Sep 8, 2011, at 10:16 PM
  • Oooooooooooooh Nooooooooooooooo!

    -- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Mon, Sep 19, 2011, at 6:31 PM
  • Rick, That video is a remake [a bit different] from the original done by a buddy of mine. He was at the time an Arkansas tool distributer making light of all the crap the tool companies come up with as new merchandise to sell to his customers.

    The original was based on the fact that mechanics don't have time to wash off all the grease before each time they went to the bathroom and needed an end of day product to clean up thoroughly.

    The original would not get past the censors.

    -- Posted by Old John on Tue, Sep 20, 2011, at 12:38 AM
  • -- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Tue, Sep 20, 2011, at 12:46 AM
  • His New Dentures

    A Pastor went to the dentist for a new set of dentures. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit. They asked him what happened.

    The Pastor explained that the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

    -- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Wed, Sep 21, 2011, at 9:24 PM
  • Rick

    After that mix up someone is probably eligible for unemployment.

    -- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Wed, Sep 21, 2011, at 9:43 PM
  • Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid dummies because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

    The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

    Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

    Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

    Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "Then we'll lie and say we only found two."

    Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

    -- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Wed, Sep 21, 2011, at 9:49 PM
  • A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

    After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

    True to his word, he made the first contact:

    "Joanne..........Joanne"

    "Is that you, George? "

    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

    "That's wonderful!? What's it like?"

    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch you'd be proud - lots of greens. Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

    "Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"

    No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas ."

    -- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Thu, Sep 22, 2011, at 9:05 AM
  • I had 12 bottles of Whiskey in my basement.

    Sadly, my wife didn't approve, so she asked me to pour all of it in the sink.

    I didn't dare to say anything against her, so I started on the hard work!

    I pulled the cork from the first bottle and poured its content in the sink, apart from one glass wich I drank.

    Then I pulled the cork from the second bottle, poured its content in the sink, apart from one glass wich I drank.

    So I pulled the cork from the third bottle, poured out a glass besides the content wich I drank.

    I pulled the third cork from the fourth bottle, poured the bottle in the glass wich I then drank.

    I pulled the cork from the next glass, poured the cork off the bottle and pulled out the glass and drank the sink.

    Then I pulled the cork of the bottle, poured the sink in the bottle and put the cork in the flask with the glass and poured the whiskey on the bottle.

    When all the bottles where emptied, I steadied the house with one hand while counting bottles, corks and glasses with the other. It was excactly 29.

    To be presice, I counted them again.

    This time, it was also excactly 74!

    When the house passed by, I counted it all again, in the end arrived all the houses, bottles and the sinks apart from one cork wich I poured in the house and drank out.

    I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

    -- Posted by Shapley Hunter on Thu, Sep 22, 2011, at 11:41 AM
  • In the news: Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

    -- Posted by Old John on Thu, Sep 22, 2011, at 11:52 AM
  • Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read:

    'Da End is Near

    Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now

    Afore It Be Too Late!'

    As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

    From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...

    Boudreaux turns to Thib and asks 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'

    -- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Fri, Sep 23, 2011, at 1:08 PM
  • A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ." The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America! That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not American." He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa ." Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

    -- Posted by Knoblickian on Sat, Sep 24, 2011, at 3:19 PM
  • -- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Sat, Sep 24, 2011, at 8:20 PM
  • After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. ... Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'......

    -- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Sun, Sep 25, 2011, at 1:24 AM

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