Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Sun, Dec 26, 2010, at 11:04 AM:
Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
Replies (37)
"What can we talk about?" one asks.
"Sex," the other says.
"No," she replied, " What was was."
"What never was, never was," the other retorted.
-- Posted by voyager on Sun, Dec 26, 2010, at 11:12 AM
two women sitting quietly together, minding their own business. That was a long long time ago and it was just only for that one day.
-- Posted by exmissourian on Sun, Dec 26, 2010, at 12:03 PM
Well LMAO, here is a good one.
Once upon a time long long time ago there was a city that had a group create a company down at the airport. This company had the backing and blessing of the city and the mayor which was from the financial sector of this great city. The partnership was so profitable for the city because this company never missed a payment. The mayor and his merry men was so impressed with this companies track record of payments being on time that they even offered all their employees raises due to being flush with cash.
Disclaimer: any similarities to any actual events locally is pure coincidence
-- Posted by gman on Sun, Dec 26, 2010, at 12:34 PM
Well someone had to mess it up with politics.
-- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Sun, Dec 26, 2010, at 12:37 PM
Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor
does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal...
-- Posted by Skeptic1 on Sun, Dec 26, 2010, at 3:36 PM
Politically Correct Descriptions For Men
He does not have a BEER GUT. He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER. He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME. He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING. He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER. He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK. He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASZ. He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE. He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG. He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT. He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES. He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT
-- Posted by Skeptic1 on Sun, Dec 26, 2010, at 3:42 PM
-- Posted by Skeptic1 on Sun, Dec 26, 2010, at 6:03 PM
If joekool is married and his wife reads the threads, he is a dead man! ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺
-- Posted by Have_Wheels_Will_Travel on Mon, Dec 27, 2010, at 9:00 AM
and if it wasn't for women, you all would be gay
-- Posted by Skeptic1 on Mon, Dec 27, 2010, at 9:08 AM
adidas wrote:
"and if it wasn't for women, you all would be gay"
I take it Biology is not your strong suit.
-- Posted by Shapley Hunter on Mon, Dec 27, 2010, at 9:18 AM
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench, when a young man jumped in front of them and flashed them.
The first woman had a stroke
The second woman had a stroke
and the third woman couldn't reach that far.
-- Posted by Semoan on Mon, Dec 27, 2010, at 10:59 AM
My wife's favorite:
Men are only here for breeding purposes.
-- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Mon, Dec 27, 2010, at 11:52 AM
The definition of bigamy is having one wife too many; same definition for marriage.
-- Posted by Acronym on Mon, Dec 27, 2010, at 1:36 PM
A blonde reads the headlines; "Brazilian Soldiers Killed in Air Crash".
She thinks for a moment, then asks, "Gosh, how many is a brazillion?"
-- Posted by Maynard on Mon, Dec 27, 2010, at 1:50 PM
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the Bike is outside, and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says,
"I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner
has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says, and in they go.
Joe is shocked!
Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes!
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom..
"She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way, right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious, and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence!
All of a sudden, there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.....
Suddenly the father shouted...."I'll do the dishes!!!"
-- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Mon, Dec 27, 2010, at 5:26 PM
now THAT was funny
-- Posted by Skeptic1 on Mon, Dec 27, 2010, at 6:12 PM
You owe me a new monitor!!! Mine's covered with...
-- Posted by Maynard on Mon, Dec 27, 2010, at 6:27 PM
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
-- Posted by dr.pob on Mon, Dec 27, 2010, at 6:30 PM
Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign, or whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.
Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CHL permit. Are you carrying today?"
"Yes, I am."
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box.
And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"
"Nope."
"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"
"Nothing...."
-- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Mon, Dec 27, 2010, at 6:36 PM
Oops. Wrong one.
-- Posted by We Regret To Inform U on Mon, Dec 27, 2010, at 6:37 PM
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a man's p***s is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. The woman has read this entire text. The man is still looking at his thumb
-- Posted by Skeptic1 on Tue, Dec 28, 2010, at 8:05 PM
Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
This was such an unusual scenario that they soon collected a crowd of people who wondered amongst themselves why two women would be sitting together not only quietly, but minding their own business ...
*** ... next paragraph, anyone?
PS: The definition of bigamy is having one wife too many; same definition for marriage. by Acronym on Mon, Dec 27, 2010, at 1:36 PM
Always wondered ... how come having several wives is acceptable to some people (and perhaps wishful thinking for some), but having several husbands isn't? Aside from more work for the woman (cooking, dishes, laundry, etc.) ... wouldn't that make more sense, in a few other ways?
Hilarious, WeRegret! Harley & Vaseline ...
-- Posted by gurusmom on Tue, Dec 28, 2010, at 9:22 PM
-- Posted by gurusmom on Tue, Dec 28, 2010, at 9:22 PM
Having studied cultural anthropology, quite a few reasons can be put forth for areas where it is accepted. In modern society, I can see no good reason as a wife and mistress seems much more practical and the preferred choice.
-- Posted by Acronym on Wed, Dec 29, 2010, at 7:39 AM
Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business. The joke is simply...women cannot sit quietly alone or with someone, and they never mind their own business.
-- Posted by jadip4me on Wed, Dec 29, 2010, at 8:34 AM
Have you all heard about the baby who was born at a local hospital? It was of both sexes....it had a brain and a ******.
-- Posted by howdydoody on Wed, Dec 29, 2010, at 9:08 AM
A few years ago, some folks from the Humane Society and the U.S. Forest Service were at a farm meeting presenting an alternative to local sheep producers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after several years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the animal rights folks had a "more humane" solution.
What they proposed was for the coyotes to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.
All of the shepherds at the meeting thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."
-- Posted by Hawker on Wed, Dec 29, 2010, at 10:14 AM
If a man says something in the woods, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
-- Posted by Skeptic1 on Wed, Dec 29, 2010, at 3:05 PM
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fartt and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
-- Posted by Skeptic1 on Wed, Dec 29, 2010, at 3:13 PM
"If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. ... If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again."
Can't stop laughing!
-- Posted by gurusmom on Wed, Dec 29, 2010, at 5:04 PM
Rev. Larry Rice and his New Life Evangelistic Center
-- Posted by timexx on Wed, Dec 29, 2010, at 5:21 PM
How about this: woman use large bath towel to dry, another to put on head, another to wrap up in, another to step on. Man use only thing left, hand towel. Woman upset next day man didn't fold towels right.
Man cook woman special meal that she like he don't. She say she already ate with girlfriend.
Man need beer money, woman give lecture.
Woman say car need gas, keys on table, man say I also get lawnmower gas, woman say better have house clean..mom coming to stay.
Man give up retirement and get job that start when woman get off work and end when woman start work.
All happy!
-- Posted by Old John on Wed, Dec 29, 2010, at 5:26 PM
adidas, that must have been your shadow I saw out my bathroom window.
-- Posted by Maynard on Wed, Dec 29, 2010, at 7:26 PM
I knew I heard a woo woo
-- Posted by Skeptic1 on Wed, Dec 29, 2010, at 7:36 PM
Cracking me up ... after picturing the woo-woo stuff, and now the drying off with the hand towel ...
But Old J ... "Man cook woman special meal ..." and then he expects praise and thanks for his once-a-year effort for 17 days afterwards ...
Never mind me ... I love men ... I think I have them pegged ... woo-woo and all.
-- Posted by gurusmom on Thu, Dec 30, 2010, at 1:32 AM
you & me both guru!
-- Posted by Skeptic1 on Thu, Dec 30, 2010, at 3:11 PM
Spank, stop smoking that funny weed!
-- Posted by Skeptic1 on Thu, Dec 30, 2010, at 5:44 PM
LMAO.... oh please stop!!!!
-- Posted by Skeptic1 on Thu, Dec 30, 2010, at 8:17 PM
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Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
Replies (37)