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The Irony Of It All
Brad Hollerbach is the Director of Information Technology for the Southeast Missourian. His opinions are his own and do not reflect those of the newspaper or its editorial board.
He writes this blog primarily for his own amusement and to parody the absurdities of the world we live in. He lives with his wife and two cats that don't really care for one another in Cape.
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Cape To Deputize Jehovah Witnesses
To Enforce Nuisance Ordinance
Posted Wednesday, September 11, 2013, at 6:00 AM
The Cape Girardeau Police Department is planning to deputize local Jehovah Witnesses to help enforce a portion of a revised nuisance ordinance that is being discussed by the City Council.
The proposed revisions cover various nuisances, but the Police Department plans to have the Jehovah Witnesses focus on a section involving vacant buildings. The recommended ordinance would declare that any building left vacant for more than six months would be a public nuisance unless the property's owner purchased an annual permit for $100.
"We just don't have the manpower to check every building in town on a regular basis to verify if it is or isn't occupied," said Sergeant Ian Forser, Assistant Vice-Spokesperson for the Cape Girardeau Police Department Nuisance Division.
According to Forser, the Police Department put together a committee to determine how to enforce a law that they believe will be difficult to implement.
"The city has no occupancy permits, so if the property taxes, trash, water and sewer bills are all paid and the lawn is mowed," Forser said, "how can we actually tell if a house is vacant?"
The committee decided that the only way to administer the ordinance is to check every building in the city on a regular basis.
"That's a huge job," Forser said. "We estimate we would have to assign three or four full-time officers to the beat, which is an awful use of taxpayers' money and why we intend to deputize Jehovah Witnesses to handle the identification of vacant properties for us."
Forser explained that the Jehovah Witnesses already canvas entire neighborhoods as part of their religious doctrine. As official Cape Girardeau Police Department Deputies they will be required to put copies of their religious literature in every exterior door of a given building. During a follow-up visit, the Deputy Witnesses will note any buildings where their literature is still stuck in doors and report those addresses to a liaison with the Cape Girardeau PD for further investigation.
"They're essentially chalking the tires," Forser said referring to a technique used by police to identify cars that have been potentially abandoned on a street.
Forser feels this is a win-win situation.
"Highly trained police officers are not being used to enforce a busy-body ordinance, and the Jehovah Witnesses get a little additional help in spreading their Word," Forser said. " We believe a few more doors might open for them if they are able to announce that it is the Cape Police Department."
Forser is unsure if the Deputy Witnesses will be armed while pursuing their dual missions. He did say the police department plans to reimburse them for their additional expenses related to leaving extra literature in all doors at a property rather than just the front door as they do now.
No Jehovah Witnesses were available for comment on this story.
Because we live in a world where the stupid and gullible are as close as the latest tweet, I feel the need to include this disclaimer:
This story is mostly not true. Yes, the city of Cape is looking at implementing a nuisance ordinance that will be difficult to enforce, but no Jehovah Witnesses have been deputized, at least, not by the Cape PD.
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