Interview with a Deer

The Department of Conservation in conjunction with the Biology department from SEMO has been conducting a survey of the deer population within the city limits of Cape Girardeau.

In short, this is a huge waste of time and money. However, since this is such a divisive local issue, the Irony Of It All blog has requested and gotten permission to interview Buck, the spokesdeer with the Brotherhood of Urban Wildlife Local 477.

Irony Of It All: First of all I want to thank you for meeting with me. Could you please explain to the readers what the Brotherhood of Urban Wildlife is.

Buck: Thanks. I'm happy to be here. The local chapter of the Brotherhood of Urban Wildlife is a union open to all wild and feral animals who live within the Cape Girardeau city limits. Our membership includes deer, squirrels, rabbits, feral cats and dogs, the occasional field mouse and yeti.

IOIA: What about.... Did you just say yeti? Bigfoot lives in Cape?

Buck: Well, yeah. We do have a couple of yeti or Bigfoot as you humans like to call them who are members of Local 477. Bob lives on South West End Boulevard and I think Yule lives near Lexington.

IOIA: How come no one has ever seen, um, Yule the Yeti?

Buck: Come on, they're yeti. They've lived millennia being invisible to humans. They're really good at being inconspicuous. But enough about that, I'm hear to talk allowing deer hunting in the city.

IOIA: Yes, I know and really appreciate you taking time out of your schedule to talk with us. But I have one other question about your union. What about possums? The city seems to have plenty of them and you didn't mention them being part of your membership.

Buck: That's because they have their own union. Most possums and raccoons in Cape belong to the Eastern Missouri Council of Nature's Nocturnals. Personally, that's fine with me. I know this sounds shallow, but I would hate to have a union meeting with a bunch of possums. They are butt ugly.

IOIA: I would agree with that. While the answer to this question may be obvious, how does your membership feel about urban deer hunting?

Buck: Actually it's mixed. Of course, a majority of the deer are against the matter. Can't blame them. A lot of them relocated to the city to get away from the hunters in the county. But most of the rabbit contingent is in favor of it. They figure a few less deer would give them more to eat. I think the whole concept of a union goes right over their ears.

IOIA: And how do you feel? Are you with the majority of deer?

Buck: No, actually I'm not. A small number of deer -- myself included -- feel a hunting season would be OK provided that we could shoot back. We've had it with being target practice for every Goober with a rifle.

IOIA: So how many deer actually live in the city of Cape?

Buck: A lot less than you people believe. I would say that on any given weeknight, there are a couple dozen. However, on the weekends when all of the country deer tend to come into town, the number of deer tends to dramatically spike to somewhere in the neighborhood of 35,000.

IOIA: That seems like a ridiculous huge number of deer. Are you sure?

Buck: Of course, we are. We conducted a survey.