Got two feet? If you do the City of Cape Girardeau may want you!
In an effort to promote the usage of sidewalks throughout Cape Girardeau, city leaders are planning to hire 20 people to use them during daylight hours Monday through Friday.
"Cape Girardeau has the finest sidewalks between St. Louis and Memphis, but most residents just don't realize it," said Wes T. O'Money, City Director For Pointless Projects.
O'Money has been concerned about the under-utilization of the city's sidewalks for years.
"We have miles of sidewalks that are rarely used. In the past decade, we've built even more, thinking that if we build them, they will come. But sadly, they haven't. This project aims to correct that problem," O'Money said.
Most persons employed for the initiative will be required to stroll sidewalks along key city transportation arteries. O'Money said the city is also looking for a couple people who cannot walk to promote the new sidewalk ramps the city has been installing on portions of William Street. Interested persons must provide their own wheelchair or mobility power device and avoid any intersections that currently have no ramps such as West End Boulevard.
Requirements for the walking positions include the ability to put one foot in front of the other on a sustained basis and to wave at passing motorists.
"Studies show that friendly-towns tend to attract manufacturers. That, and sizable tax incentives," O'Money explained about the waving requirement.
Startup money for the project is being supplied by a one-time grant of $237,044.12 from the Federal Bureau of Political Patronage. After the initial funding runs out, O'Money hopes to maintain the project with either additional grants or by adding a special sidewalk tax to resident's property assessment.
"We might also pay for it using the money we are saving with the spiffy new leaf pickup collection program," O'Money said.
The city's effort to increase sidewalk usage follows in the steps of the ordinance passed by the city council last fall to make walking in the streets a felony. The law mandates that first-time offenders must serve 5 years in prison, second-time scofflaws are punished with 10 years and three-peats are given the death penalty. At this time, 735 people, 28 dogs and 7 cats have been arrested under the new ordinance.
Because we live in a world where gullible and stupid people are not in short supply, I feel the need include this disclaimer:
This story is not true. It is a fabrication, satire. Don't send your resume to the city in care of Wes T. O'Money hoping to get a job walking the city streets. Neither he or the job exist. Well, at least not yet...