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How I Spent The End Of The World

Posted Friday, December 21, 2012, at 4:55 PM

Updated at 7:55pm on at December 21, 2012

December 20, 2011 - 11:55pm According to the Mayan calendar, the world is potentially ending in 5 minutes. Experts say that some of the Maya were incredibly accurate timekeepers and that they predicted the world's end occurring on December 21, 2012. I don't believe they gave a specific time, just a day coinciding with the Winter Solstice. The world might end at the stroke of midnight or at 7:03PM or as some doubters think, it may not happen at all. I don't know, but I plan to document the end of the world with this blog entry. I figured somebody should do it for posterity.

December 21, 2011 - 12:01am I check the street, peeking out our front door. All is quiet, which I find rather surprising for the day in which the world ends. One would think it would go out with more of bang. But maybe the end of the world is more like one of those slasher movies where everything appears calm until suddenly a psycho carrying a bloodied chainsaw steps out of from behind the curtains. I wonder what the world-sized equivalent is to a fellow carrying a bloodied chainsaw? Asteroid collision? Super-volcano? Nuclear war? A plague with no cure? Alien invasion? Zombie infestation? The list is practically endless. Getting tired. Got a long day today. Better get my rest.

December 21, 2011 -- 6:44am Alarm goes off. Obviously, still have power and am still alive. Quarter of the day gone and still no end of the world. It's a beautiful first day of winter with not a cloud in the sky. It's cold, but I thought yesterday was a little more apocalyptic. After I drink my OJ, I go crazy and have a bowl of Peanut Butter Crunch rather than my usual weekday fare of Mini-Wheats. Let The Cat go romp around in the backyard while I sip my coffee. She seems normal. Usually when something BIG such as an earthquake has occurred, she's acted odd in advance of the event. After giving The Cat her breakfast I take a shower, get dressed and head to work. Glad the end of the world is happening on casual Friday. I prefer to be comfortable when my world ends.

December 21, 2011 -- 8:15am Made it to work. Kept my eyes open for anyone who might look like they were coming down with zombie, but saw no one who seemed to have any symptoms. I did see several bad drivers who appeared to be talking on cell phones. Nothing new there. I guess it would be practically the end of the world to a lot of people if their cell phones stopped working. Pretty sure the Mayan's who made this prediction had no knowledge of cell phones and the Internet or they would have registered HowISpentTheEndOfTheWorld.com years ago.

December 21, 2011 -- 10:40am All is quiet at work. That's typical for a Friday since we don't publish a Saturday paper any more, which has lessened the crush we used to have trying to do prep work on three different editions of the Southeast Missourian. While my department doesn't do any of the day-to-day production, it's on high-stress days that things usually break and therefore requiring our assistance. However, since we do handle a lot of centralized information technology operations for our other papers around the country AND this is just 4 days before Christmas, perhaps I should be worried. Maybe this is the calm before the storm. I look outside. While it is cold, it is still a beautiful morning and no alien motherships are anywhere to be seen.

December 21, 2011 -- 11:05amI'm pretty wired. We had free coffee at work today and while I never drink coffee at work, it is free and figured I might as well change things up a bit with the apocalypse and all. No reason to do the same old, same old. While swinging by to get a refill, I noticed that one of my co-workers looks a little peaked. Ask him if he has the plague or has a hankering for human flesh and he says no. Not sure if I should believe him. Just in case, I think I will keep my distance the rest of the day.

December 21, 2011 -- 11:50am Day is almost half over and the world is still here. The anticipation is killing me. Wish the Mayan's were a little more precise so I could have planned my day better.

December 21, 2011 -- 12:30pm Meet my wife at Bella Italia for lunch. So far I haven't seen anyone stumbling around with the plague. We eat and I swing by the house where I slather on some sunblock SPF 100. Not sure if that will protect me in case of a gamma ray burst from a supernova, but I figure it can't hurt.

December 21, 2011 -- 1:45pm A co-worker asks why I'm pastier than usual and smell like an overly-ripe coconut. I lie and tell him that it must be the aftershave I bought at Big Lots.

December 21, 2011 -- 3:00pm A friend of mine just reminded me that it is now Saturday at 10am in New Zealand so the whole Mayan prediction must be malarkey. Not so fast muchacho! The Maya did not live in New Zealand when they created their long-count calendar, but in Central America so their prediction still could occur. However, if there are any Hobbit prophecies that take place on this Winter Solstice, that is a different matter.

December 21, 2011 -- 4:45pm Have stayed in my office most of the afternoon away from my co-workers. Figure that if a plague is out there then the best plan of action is to interact with as few people as possible. I make myself a mask out of disinfecting wipes knotted together before darting out the door to head home.

December 21, 2011 -- 5:15pmMy wife and I start Conversation #26. We've been married long enough we can recite some conversations we have and the other person's response by heart. This particular conversation is regarding going to the gym. We like to go to the gym on Friday nights because it is not very crowded. However, when it is cold or wet, we often talk ourselves out of it and stay home instead. This is usually followed by Conversation #3 or "What shall we have for dinner tonight?" The cold, the crowds and the chance we could be hit by an asteroid driving to the gym win the battle for this week.

December 21, 2011 -- 5:45pm Our dinner conversation ends quickly since we had lunch at Bella Italia and were both still full. However, we did have some pre-Christmas errands to run so we decided to brave the crowds...

December 21, 2011 -- 7:45pm We've been to three stores and it is obvious that Christmas is just days away. The crowds are bad, the parking sucks and stupid people are everywhere you turn. A small part of me is hoping the Mayan prophecy would hurry up and get here, just to put me out of my misery.

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I've been through multiple End of The World events. Here's what it was like at midnight on New Year's Eve 1999:


-- Posted by ksteinhoff on Fri, Dec 21, 2012, at 2:03 PM

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The Irony Of It All
Brad Hollerbach
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Brad Hollerbach is the Director of Information Technology for the Southeast Missourian. His opinions are his own and do not reflect those of the newspaper or its editorial board. He writes this blog primarily for his own amusement and to parody the absurdities of the world we live in. He lives with his wife and two cats that don't really care for one another in Cape.

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