Saturday, Aug. 23, 2014
Which Candidate Is To Blame For Hurricane Sandy?Posted Monday, October 29, 2012, at 8:00 PM
As Hurricane Sandy bears down on the Northeast, a single question comes to mind:
Who is to blame?
This epic storm has to be somebody's fault. There's no doubt about it. Someone is responsible and like any good detective, you should always look for a motive. Who can gain from a catastrophe of epic proportions?
Obama, for one. With an extremely close presidential election days away, what better way to show how you deserve to be The Commander In Chief for a second term than to demonstrate how capable you are dealing with the aftermath of a storm like no storm we've seen before?
His response to this disaster could sway the fence sitters, those who have yet to decide if they should side with the rape-tolerant, God-fearing, gun-toting, drill-baby-drill far right or the pot-smoking, debt-mongering, solar-power-using, baby-killers on the far left. Damn centrists. They should have picked a side already.
The timing of this disaster couldn't be better for Obama. Heck, he may have even created this hurricane using secret weather control equipment that the Feds keep stashed in the same warehouse as the Ark of the Covenant.
It wouldn't surprise me that if at the worst of the storm, Obama doesn't call a press conference announcing that he'd just signed an executive order making all hurricanes illegal while slyly turning off the secret weather control machine. One minute, 90 mile per hour winds with driving rain, the next, blue sky and sunshine. His approval numbers would skyrocket!
Then again, Obama might just be a patsy and Romney is actually the mastermind behind this disaster. What better way to make the president look like an incompetent putz than turning the heavily populated Northeast effectively into a war zone right before the election? How many fence-sitters will go bother to the polls if they have no power? I imagine not too many.
Considering that Romney is a Mormon and all Mormon's reputedly wear magic underpants which gives them powers that non-Mormons can't even dream of, I would not be at all astonished to discover that the church leaders in Salt Lake have a super secret weather control device. If Mitt were projected to win by a landslide, they probably would keep it under wraps, but since this is likely to be one of the closest presidential elections ever, they're firing up their secret weapon to give Mitt the last minute boost he could use.
I bet that right now Mitt is chuckling away in a hotel room somewhere in Ohio, slamming can after can of caffeine-free Red Bull while he directs the Mormon Tabernacle Storm Machine to dump another 6 inches of rain directly on the White House.
You know though, I might have it wrong. Perhaps neither candidate is to blame. But if not them, then who? As I said, SOMEONE has to be responsible. Global Warming is too vague of a villain. Shame on you mankind and your excessive population and your massive industrialization over the last 100 years. That just can't be the reason.
But I am certain that this disaster is due directly to the election, and I think I may have the answer:
Conservative Talk Radio.
The run-up to this election has dominated the conversation on conservative talk radio shows since before the last presidential election. Tens of thousands of hours of discourse have occurred, much of it done by some of the world's biggest talkers -- Rush, Hannity, Beck, Levin, Boortz and Ingraham -- media celebrities who can not only suck the air out of the room in a single breath, but I believe can bring about climate change -- or at minimum cause a hurricane of epic proportions -- with the copious amounts of carbon dioxide and methane they produce on a daily basis.
Is it a coincidence that all of these programs are created on the eastern seaboard? I think not. Rush is in Florida, Boortz is out of Georgia, Levin tapes out of Virginia and Ingraham from nearby DC, while Hannity and Beck broadcast from New York.
When the amount of hot air generated by these broadcasters collides with the cold fronts rolling in off the North Atlantic, it's a wonder that we don't have Frankenstorms every other week.
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Brad Hollerbach is the Director of Information Technology for the Southeast Missourian. His opinions are his own and do not reflect those of the newspaper or its editorial board. He writes this blog primarily for his own amusement and to parody the absurdities of the world we live in. He lives with his wife and two cats that don't really care for one another in Cape.
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