The CNN breaking news text alert that came across my phone yesterday was both literally and figuratively not news.
The alert was that billionaire Donald Trump was not running for President.
Really, CNN, that was news? Was The Donald ever serious about running? And did anyone actually think he even had a chance of winning if he did happen to throw his hat in the ring? I assumed from the start of the rumblings that Trump might run for President that it was just another narcissistic ploy to keep his name in the spot light.
Of course, I'm sure comedians everywhere were dismayed by this not news from CNN. Think of all the jokes that will now never be.
Tonight on The Apprentice: Cabinet Edition watch Secretary of State Meatloaf take diplomatic relations to a whole new level!
Since news of nothing apparently is the new gold standard (Can you say Kardashian?), I offer the following to media outlets everywhere that are looking to fill some white space or avoid the happy talk that TV anchors use when they have to pad a newscast:
I, Brad Hollerbach, hereby announce that I am not going to run for President of the United States.
Yep, you heard it here first. I'm not going to run.
In addition, I vow not to run for president of any company or organization. I also promise not to run for any office of Vice-President, Secretary or Treasurer, any Senate or Representative seat, county office, city office, dogcatcher, or even the illustrious position of Grand Poobah.
I'm just not going to do any of those things.
Feel free to send out a text alert.