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Maybe Buick Drivers Aren't To BlamePosted Friday, March 18, 2011, at 12:00 AM
I was waiting at a stoplight the other day with a white Buick in front of me when the signal turned green.
It was a full five or maybe even ten seconds before the driver of the Buick actually moved. Two vehicles in the other lane had already gone through the light before the person driving that car even budged. I was not surprised.
Some years ago, my wife remarked to me that slow or poor drivers almost always drive Buicks and those Buicks are usually white. She was very astute. Since then I've observed this phenomenon hundreds of times. For every one decent Buick driver who pays attention to the rules of the road and drives at the speed limit, there seems to be a dozen who don't.
They tend to drive ten miles below the speed limit. Or when a traffic light turns green, they creep through it. Lines of traffic usually build up behind them. And their right turn blinker has been on since they left their house last Sunday.
In short, most Buick drivers are just awful. Or at least that's what I have believed for many years.
But while sitting behind this particular white Buick, I had this epiphany:
Perhaps, the problem is NOT the Buick drivers, but rather the Buicks themselves.
Maybe the drivers of the Buicks I've witnessed causing traffic delays are just like you and me. They want to get where they are going in a timely fashion, but their car keeps them from doing so.
It deliberately delays them from going through traffic signals when the light turns green even though they are stomping on the gas pedal. It keeps that blinker blinking long after they have turned it off. The car can sense what the speed limit is and makes sure it goes at least five miles under it.
In short these cars may be similar to Stephen King's possessed Plymouth featured in the book Christine. Perhaps, the plant these cars were manufactured at was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground therefore cursing these vehicles for all eternity.
But rather than being exactly like Christine -- possessed by Satan with homicidal tendencies that only blood could quench -- the destiny of Buicks appear to mainly annoy. That does make sense.
If it were a fact that every Buick was an honest to goodness man-killer like Christine, then the government would do something about it. They would first shut down the plant churning out the cursed cars, then they would call out the National Guard with tanks and bull dozers to round up these blood thirsty Buicks and crush them back into raw steel.
Of course, if that were to happen, I bet some bleeding heart liberals would insist that a few of the cars be saved and have them shipped off to the wilds of Yellowstone where they could prowl the backcountry with like-minded beasts such as grizzly bears.
That could lead to a pretty scary scenario if you think about it. What if a grizzly hooked up with a possessed Buick and learned how to drive?
If that were to happen I might not mind if that bedeviled Buick took five or ten seconds to get moving through a green light. Heck, they could even take a minute.
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Brad Hollerbach is the Director of Information Technology for the Southeast Missourian. His opinions are his own and do not reflect those of the newspaper or its editorial board. He writes this blog primarily for his own amusement and to parody the absurdities of the world we live in. He lives with his wife and cat in Cape.
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