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Thursday, Jan. 29, 2015

What Would Jesus Drive?

Posted Tuesday, February 8, 2011, at 12:00 AM

While going to lunch the other day, I got behind a large blue pickup. It dwarfed my Mazda on oversized tires, its diesel engine growling loudly as we waited for the light to change at Sprigg and Independence.

It was not an unusual sight for the streets of Cape Girardeau. Pickups of all sizes are fairly common around here, but what I noticed about this particular truck was its license plate.

JESUS is what was printed on the placard where the truck's rear plate should be.

I'm pretty sure this wasn't The Jesus driving in front of me, just a devout Christian advertising his faith to everyone who was at eye-level with the bumper of his jacked-up four-by-four.

But it made me reflect while I followed the big truck down Independence.

What exactly would Jesus drive?

Would Jesus drive a jacked-up diesel four-by-four like this particular fellow, sporting a vanity plate proclaiming to the world that this was Jesus' ride? Not likely. I think that might be a bit ostentatious for The Son of God.

I believe that if Jesus were in need of earthly transport he would probably drive something sensible like a Camry or a car with a good safety record like a Saab or a Volvo.

Or maybe Jesus would drive one of those VW Bugs that hippies from the 1960s coveted so dearly. That might be His type of style since the car epitomized peace and love for a generation. After all, it was Herbie the Love Bug, not Herbie the Love Ford or Herbie the Love Chrysler or Herbie the Love Jacked-Up Four-by-Four.

But then again, if Jesus were in need of a vehicle maybe he would want one that he could use to test mankind. What if Jesus is one of those people who have their blinker on all the time? You know whom I'm talking about. They're often driving a Buick from the 1980's and all you can see of them is their knuckles gripping the steering wheel and a whisp of bluish-gray hair sticking up above the headrest.

And not only is their blinker apparently rusted into the on-position, they're also driving a solid 10 miles below the speed limit AND hugging the center line, making passing a chancy move for those behind them. I usually give these inconsiderate drivers a good honk and use a little crude "sign language" to illustrate my displeasure when I do manage to pass them.

But what if one of these slowpokes was actually Jesus testing us, testing me? Does giving Jesus the finger mean I'm going straight to Hell? Perhaps, once would be OK, but what about a couple dozen times? Geez -- no pun intended -- I might be a goner.

I suppose there's no point in fretting. What's done is done. In the future, I'll try to control my non-verbal communication when I'm stuck behind a slow-moving Buick since you just never know.

However, I am now positive that Jesus doesn't drive a certain jacked-up blue four-by-four. I don't think He would need to gun it through a yellow light.

Showing comments in chronological order
[Show most recent comments first]

Clearly Jesus would drive a Dodge Ram and he would indeed be fond of giving a good honk.

Exodus 19:13 "Only when the Ram's horn sounds a long blast may they go up to the mountain."

-- Posted by Nil on Tue, Feb 8, 2011, at 2:05 AM

Well, since Jesus' last name is Christ and Chrysler is the most similar to his name I bet he would drive a Chrysler.

-- Posted by SouthernHusker on Tue, Feb 8, 2011, at 8:38 AM

he wouldnt drive nothing.he would just walk to show all these lard a--es how to lose weight!!!

-- Posted by gussedup on Tue, Feb 8, 2011, at 10:46 AM

Since The Jesus taught his disciples how to live, including mundane matters, he must have driven a Honda...they rushed with one accord Acts 19:29 (KJV)

Brad, could that have just been someone named Jesus, pronounced Hay-soos south of the border? Jesus is obviously not a unique name, even back when...

-- Posted by Maynard on Tue, Feb 8, 2011, at 1:39 PM

I suppose it is possible that a hay-soos was driving this truck, Maynard.

This wasn't an actual license plate by the way. No state listed, no tags, and the type was in a serif font rather than the san serif that is common.

Thanks for reading.

-- Posted by Brad_Hollerbach on Tue, Feb 8, 2011, at 1:56 PM

Jesus would drive a Porsche 911 Carrera GTS. He would gat every sinners' immediate and undistracted attention. The Buick folks attention he already has.

-- Posted by voyager on Tue, Feb 8, 2011, at 2:19 PM

Probably a Buick Lacrosse.

-- Posted by Professor_Bubba on Tue, Feb 8, 2011, at 9:23 PM

Or an Infiniti...

-- Posted by Professor_Bubba on Tue, Feb 8, 2011, at 9:24 PM

Or a Kia Soul?

-- Posted by Professor_Bubba on Tue, Feb 8, 2011, at 9:24 PM

Haha Professor B.


-- Posted by Brad_Hollerbach on Tue, Feb 8, 2011, at 9:48 PM

possibly something humbling and environmentally safe...a bicycle or moped....

-- Posted by ojannod on Wed, Feb 9, 2011, at 1:17 AM

what's TFR?

-- Posted by bluejay2003 on Wed, Feb 9, 2011, at 11:04 PM

I attend quite a few biker rallies, and I always see him there (or at least a guy that looks like him laying hands upon the sinner women flashing their boobs).

He rides a Harley.

-- Posted by FreedomFadingFast on Thu, Feb 10, 2011, at 9:51 AM

Didn't Jesus set the precedent for vehicle choice when he rode in on Palm Sunday seated on the 1995 Honda Civic of the day. . . a secondhand donkey? And I think it was just a rental. No gilded chariot or splendid show horse. So Jesus probably wouldn't bother with his own license, registration and proof of insurance. Instead, YOU would be hauling him around in your mid-90's, economy model Honda or Toyota. As a bonus, he might even turn water into gasoline for you!

-- Posted by b_ellefson on Fri, Feb 24, 2012, at 6:59 PM

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The Irony Of It All
Brad Hollerbach
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Brad Hollerbach is the Director of Information Technology for the Southeast Missourian. His opinions are his own and do not reflect those of the newspaper or its editorial board. He writes this blog primarily for his own amusement and to parody the absurdities of the world we live in. He lives with his wife and two cats that don't really care for one another in Cape.

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