The Anti-Bearable Fightness of Zucchini

Very Important Stories sometimes get buried in newspapers. Perhaps an editor didn't realize the true significance of a given article and just treated it as filler, plugging a hole to complete a page.

One of these VISes appeared in the Friday issue of the Southeast Missourian.

Tucked away on the World / Business section on 10A, below such irrelevant stories as a raid in Iraq and the fact that independent voters are pissed off -- Duh! Who isn't? -- and a pair of articles about the United Nations was what I consider The Most Important Story In The Entire Paper For That Day And Possibly For The Entire Month.

And what was this TMISITEPFTDAPFTEM?

A story about a woman in Montana who defeated a bear in hand-to-hand combat with a zucchini.

Or perhaps it was hand-to-paw combat? I guess it doesn't really matter. The fact is she fought a bear with a piece of fruit (Yes, a zucchini is a fruit and not a vegetable. I looked it up.) and won!

For those of you, who overlooked this story -- trust me, it was easy to do -- a woman in Frenchtown, Montana heard a noise outside her house after midnight last Thursday. She went to investigate and found one of her dogs being pummeled by a 200-pound black bear.

She screamed at the bear. It decided she was a more interesting opponent than her collie and charged her. Grabbing the nearest weapon she could find -- a 12-inch zucchini from her kitchen counter -- she hurled it at the bear, bopping it squarely on the head from a distance of about 3 feet. The bear fled.

While I would probably not go outside into the wilds of Montana after midnight to investigate a noise without at least a couple pistols, a shotgun and a machete, this story shows that a zucchini can be used as an FMD -- or Fruit of Man-eater Distraction -- in a pinch.

Now some of you might be thinking to yourself, why should I care about some woman fending off a bear with some produce in Montana? After all, we live in the Heartland. There aren't any black bears here.

Wrong!

Not only are there black bears in Missouri, according to news reports their numbers are growing!

In addition, some brainiac has decided that the elk population of Missouri needs to be restored. Who knew Missouri ever had elk in the first place? I sure didn't. And do you know what other state has a whole lot of elk? Montana. I'm starting to see a pattern.

I fear what other species might be re-introduced to our state in an effort to restore its environment to what it was in the 16th century.

Could grizzly bears be next?

Of course, if grizzlies are re-introduced to the Show-Me State, I won't feel comfortable going anywhere after dark. I may have to apply for one of those concealed carry permits and hope I don't get pulled over by a police officer while I'm packing. That could be awkward.

The concealed pistols or shotgun or machete wouldn't embarrass me, but the thigh holster might be difficult to explain.

"Honest officer it is a zucchini and no I am not happy to see you."