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The Irony Of It All
Brad Hollerbach

A Convenient Time To Catch Up On Correspondence

Posted Friday, August 27, 2010, at 12:00 AM

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  • The doofus in Lowes chapter: Last week I attempted to buy one bag of mulch at Lowes. Of course you have to check out at the garden center, since the cashiers inside have had their memories wiped clean of any garden product knowledge. Even upon explanation they are unable to locate a price. (On one such expedition the cashier attemptd to charge me $18 for a bag of potting soil.) Anyway, upon getting within strking distance of the register, the female customer in front of me used a $50 gift certificate. The transaction was $51.56, which caused significant painful ennui for the customer. The cashier did patiently convince her that she indeed would have to pay the remaining $1.56 balance. After much reflection and soul searching, I saw a smile cross her face. "I think I have enough change in my purse," she cheerfully stated. She continued her purse digging, pulling out nothing larger than a dime about every 45 seconds. It don't want to state it was a long time, but I could have driven to my bank, taken out a 1.56 with my debit card, and been back to pay her charges before she finished her purse fishing expedition. Finally she had accumulated the correct amount, the cashier had swooped the change into the register, and I could almost touch the checkout counter. Alas, this precious customer decided her purse search encounter had left her parched and she needed a cool soft drink. After a trip to the drink cooler, considerable hesitation at the many choices and a return to the register, she satisfactorily completed her transaction of $1.59 with a Visa card. By then my purchase was somewhat unnecessary, since darkness had set in.

    She is certainly my nomination for doofus of the month.

    -- Posted by ParkerDaws on Fri, Aug 27, 2010, at 6:02 AM
  • Too funny, Parker.

    And considering that this happened at Lowes, I would wager that there was only one cashier open (not counting the service desk).

    Thanks for reading.

    -- Posted by Brad_Hollerbach on Fri, Aug 27, 2010, at 8:11 AM
  • On a hot and sweaty day I stopped in at my local grocery store to pick up a loaf of bread and a half gallon of milk. Two items. Which meant use the quick check out lane, th4e one with the clearly posted sign "20 items or less."

    Sure enough I was luck enough to get behind some old dingbat who had 21 items. The fun began when she had to discuss the price of every item and its advertised price. One item, a can of peas, created a storm of protest that the items was marked o n sale and she was being charged the regular price, a difference of 10 cents. This required calling the young lad who was a stock clerk and sending him on a price check. Later, uch later, he returned and announced he could not find the particular item anywhere on the shelves and no price posted. Shen then informed the cashier she got the last can. Confusion ensued. The manager was called to settle the matter. With the wisdom of a Soloman, he graciously granted her the 10 cent discount, apparently charging the deficit up to "Good Will."

    She departed. My small purchases was quickly handled and I departed, minus any discount or "good will" for the delay and inconvenience.

    Moral: Don't get behind little old ladies in the quick check line.

    -- Posted by voyager on Fri, Aug 27, 2010, at 9:22 AM
  • Sorry Rick.

    Something similar happened to my wife a few weeks ago. A woman in front of her at Cape Wally World was wanting a $300 gift card, but when she found out she could not charge the gift card to a credit card she decided she didn't want it.

    However, the card was "stuck" in mid process and only a floor manager could clear it. My wife said it took 10 minutes for one to finally stroll up and deal with the problem.

    TFR

    -- Posted by Brad_Hollerbach on Fri, Aug 27, 2010, at 11:36 AM
  • Well, Just_Me, you should be so lucky that you find those who don't start writing until checks until the total. I usually find they don't start looking for the checkbook until that point, typically in a purse the size of a potato sack. When complete and you think the end is near they then have to enter the amount into the check register, and then compare with the check several times. A few years back I was forced to endure an exciting conversation between a check writing customer and a cashier as to whether Wal-Mart was one word or two words. I wonder if private citizens are allowed to carry tazers?

    -- Posted by ParkerDaws on Sat, Aug 28, 2010, at 6:37 AM
  • Darwin Awards have been around for awhile, could the Doofus Awards be far behind? You could proudly proclaim that no one died to get the Doofus Award. Hmmmmmm! What would the Doofus Award certificate/trophy look like? Of course anyone on the nominating committee would be exempt from nomination.

    -- Posted by IonU on Sat, Aug 28, 2010, at 10:23 AM
  • Ah, the comment on check-writing triggered a series of 'doofus' memories from a while back. Pardons requested in advance for the lengthy trip down memory lane.

    Used to deliver pizzas back in the days when local pizza shops were competing with the '30 minutes or less, or its free' promise at the time of one chain.

    Friday and Saturday nights were the busiest, and it always ground my gears to be hustle-buttin' around trying to keep up with incoming orders, then to encounter a customer dragging up to the door first to see who it was, then having to go meander around to scrounge up a checkbook, then as a final insult having to go scrounge up a pen - as if the delivery was completely unexpected. In some cases, it would take longer to make the drop than it took driving to and from the location.

    Time was money to me - tic-toc, peoples - more deliveries equalled more tipping opportunities, faster deliveries equalled 'greater tip revenue per drop' opportunities. The added time spent on a given drop made everyone further down the pile of deliveries just that much later, their food just that much cooler, and the total tip opportunities just that much smaller.

    Perhaps not the best or most equitable solution - but when organizing a delivery route, the known ready-at-the-door cash payers went to the top of the pile to start the route - faster drops, plus larger tip opportunities from happier customers with 'just keep the change' - really nice when a $10 bill was presented for a $6.34 pizza, etc.

    The known pokey checkwriters generally went towards the bottom of the pile - longer drop times, plus the checks were usually written for exact amounts with no tip - pffft. Not exclusively to the bottom, however - still focused on how to run the fastest, mostest efficient route. One workaround was to carry a pack of the cheapie 10-for-$1 pens to have at the ready for the pokey-Joes - at least saved some time, even if a few pens were lost along the way.

    In defense of some of the checkwriters - a few would ask for a total when they called in the order, and have the check ready with perhaps a cash tip on the side - even better than a cash drop, check goes in the bag, cash goes in the pocket, and no change to count out. Win-win! :-)

    Don't get me started on those who turned the lights out when they closed the door, leaving me to find my way back to the car while the eyes were trying to adjust to the new darkness.

    Taking the unearned liberty to digress a bit more, and to stray over into bragging mode - used to make sandwich and salad deliveries just before closing time (2am) to the local '30 minutes or less' chain store, for the shift employees tired of their store pizza. One night, got busted by walking in on an unannounced store visit from the regional director, surprised at the delivery from a competitor to 'his' store. Our store's car was unmarked, so not a big visible offense from a public PR perspective.

    Anyway, after the initial shock subsided, he shared that one of the delivery men set a store record of 45 deliveries that night. "Well, Mr. Alex (our store name was Alex's), how many deliveries did you make tonight?" So, I pulled out the money bag which also kept the delivery copies and ceremoniously peeled off 68 tickets - then shared that this was a pretty typical weekend night shift for Alex's, that involved 100 - 130 miles of driving, all within the city limits of a town with a published population of 14,000. The look on his face was priceless, so I figured explaining the differences in delivery philosophies between stores would've just ruined the moment.

    Heheh, discovered long beforehand that deliveries are not about driving fast, they're about working smart. :-) At any rate, that was the last time we delivered to the store.

    /*****/

    For those interested - Darwin awards site http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/

    /*****/

    Another thing that roasts my clutch are the absences of parking etiquette and customer prioritization at the local convenience stores.

    Why do people feel the need to park in front of a gas pump when they aren't buying gas, or in front of the air pump when they aren't getting air? A particular brain-fry are the chuckleheads driving the crew cab diesel pickups with a trailer full of raggeddy-looking lawn mowers in-tow, parking in front of a gas-only pump in such a manner that no one can get around them, or have to wait on Mr. Large-and-in-Charge before being able to fuel-up. Guess I didn't get the memo on just how important they are.

    Why do many store employees feel that the drive-in customer has a higher priority than those who went to the trouble of getting out of their vehicle, picking out their own stuff by their own selves, and are patiently(?) waiting at the counter to pay - and who are likely to make a larger overall purchase? Aarrrgh! Now to go find some cheese to go with this fine whine :-)~

    -- Posted by fxpwt on Sat, Aug 28, 2010, at 12:24 PM