Brad Hollerbach is the Director of Information Technology for the Southeast Missourian. His opinions are his own and do not reflect those of the newspaper or its editorial board. He writes this blog primarily for his own amusement and to parody the absurdities of the world we live in. He lives with his wife and two cats that don't really care for one another in Cape.

Dearest County Commissioners...

Posted Monday, June 28, 2010, at 12:00 AM

Camp Common Pleas
June 28, 2010

To the Commissioners of the County of Cape Girardeau

Dearest Sirs,

You may not know me, but I am one of the oldest-surviving residents of Cape Girardeau County.

I've lived here for 99-years, keeping a watchful eye on the Greater Downtown of The City of Cape Girardeau. I've seen fires destroy buildings in the Downtown and I've seen new edifices Rise out of The Ashes.

I've been an uninvited Guest at dozens of weddings held at the Common Pleas Gazebo. And I've never ever missed one of the Tunes At Twilight performances no matter what kind of Tempest God was visiting upon our fair city on that particular evening.

I believe these examples prove that I am a loyal & true servant of The City, The County, The State and, of course, The Union.

However, it was not too many years ago, that I was nearly bludgeoned to death by a large Oak limb while standing vigil as I have these past 100 years. Through the kindness of strangers I avoided the Cold-Hand of Death and was reborn anew. I am grateful for that second-chance at another one hundred years.

But I am afraid that my Life may again be in jeopardy and I need your assistance.

While The County has numerous critical needs, I would certainly appreciate it if you would send a crew of Tree Trimmers to remove the dead wood from the giant Oak that towers over me and threatens to attack my person -- once again -- without any warning or due to any provocation.

Sirs, in short, my fate is in Your hands. I appreciate Your consideration of this issue and have included a photo below illustrating what I believe is an imminent and dire predicament.

Your Servant,

The Civil War Statue at the Common Pleas Courthouse

(Photo)

The tree in question is on the left while I am on the right. While the dead wood may not be readily apparent in this photo, I assure you that it is there.

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I am shocked UE hasn't chopped the heck out of it like they do all the trees within 50 feet of a power line.

-- Posted by Skeptic1 on Mon, Jun 28, 2010, at 6:31 AM
Look what happened in New York, a baby girl ded thanks to a tree limb that fell on her in Central Park:

http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/2010/06/27/2010-06-27_removal_efforts_cant_l...

-- Posted by Skeptic1 on Mon, Jun 28, 2010, at 6:33 AM
Dearest Rick,

I actually welcome all pigeons and squirrels to come within my vicinity. There are two reasons.

First of all, I am armed. And secondly, as the great food philosopher Alton Brown would say, they both make good eats.

Thanks for reading.

Sincerely,

The Civil War Statue at the Common Pleas Courthouse

-- Posted by Brad_Hollerbach on Mon, Jun 28, 2010, at 8:21 AM
Great. Brad's fame has gone to his head. Every since 'his' pothole got some attention, he thinks he can make clever, special requests. I say let the branches fall. ☺

-- Posted by Turnip on Mon, Jun 28, 2010, at 1:22 PM
Brad, open letter in paper isn't going to get the county commissioner's attention, don't you know you have to grease Boss Hog's palm with some green????

-- Posted by Skeptic1 on Mon, Jun 28, 2010, at 1:34 PM
Turnip, I never expect anything ever to come from any "recommendations" from this blog. If they did, we'd now have a waterpark with a waterslide that went down the courthouse stairs and out to the Lazy Mississippi River.

While I would hate to see the Civil War Statue shattered to pieces, I know first hand the pain and damage a piece of tree can do to a person.

Granted it was just a black walnut that plunked me in the head when I was wee lad, but I swear I can still feel the indention in my noggin to this day (that might also explain a thing or two as well). I can only imagine the impact of a dead limb equivalent in weight to 1000 walnuts falling from distance of 30 feet.

Of course with the city / county's luck some dummy would take shelter under this tree during a windstorm and his family would sue the city / county and whomever else they could blame for malfeasance because they didn't prune the dangerous dead wood out of an obviously sickly tree located in a public park.

The city / county would then have to raise everybody's property taxes to pay for what I'm sure would be a $100 million plus settlement, thanks partially to this blog which pointed out a dangerous situation that I'm quite sure the county will ignore.

So while you might think I'm wrote this particular blog for fame and fortune(hehehe) in fact I'm doing it as a service to my fellow citizens of Cape Girardeau to keep our taxes from going even higher.

TFR

-- Posted by Brad_Hollerbach on Mon, Jun 28, 2010, at 2:13 PM
And the worst of it is the statue is a UNION soldier. Let the confounded tree fall and do its worst!

-- Posted by voyager on Mon, Jun 28, 2010, at 5:33 PM
I agree Brad, the tree should be trimmed to protect the Civil War Statue. This work should be done by a certified Arborist to preserve the integrity of the rest of the tree.

-- Posted by mynameismud on Mon, Jun 28, 2010, at 10:10 PM
But it might ruin it as a golf hole for the First Ever 6th Annual (next year's tournament) Louis Lorimer Downtown Golf Tournament and Fish Fry. We just need to get our priorities in order.

-- Posted by IonU on Sat, Jul 3, 2010, at 7:24 AM

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