Brad Hollerbach is the Director of Information Technology for the Southeast Missourian. His opinions are his own and do not reflect those of the newspaper or its editorial board. He writes this blog primarily for his own amusement and to parody the absurdities of the world we live in. He lives with his wife and two cats that don't really care for one another in Cape.

Casino Petition Doesn't Go Far Enough, But This One Does

Posted Thursday, June 3, 2010, at 12:00 AM

I applaud the committee that is trying to collect enough signatures to force a re-vote on casino gambling in Cape Girardeau.

It doesn't matter that the citizens of Cape Girardeau voted to allow casino gambling 17 years ago. That was then. This is now.

Now knows better.

We all know that if a casino were to get its slimy grip into our Mayberry-like waterfront that Satan is sure to be whistling right behind with his fishing pole in hand. We obviously don't want that to happen.

So I give a hearty standing-O to the committee trying to get 2,635 signatures from registered Cape Girardeau voters to repeal this blasphemy and keep those shady casino operators from soiling our pristine city.

However, while I am in favor of rescinding this questionable law that is only beneficial to sinners and scofflaws, I don't think the Quality of Life in Cape Girardeau Committee goes quite far enough.

That's why I'm starting my own petition.

There is plenty of other sin afoot and if we're going to have a petition to squish casino gambling, then we might as well stomp the dickens out of these other vices.

For instance, I believe that all gambling is bad, not just casino gambling, so therefore my petition is going to propose that we outlaw the sale of all lottery tickets in the city and shut down that evil bingo parlor on Clark Avenue.

We're also going to make those shameful SuperBowl or March Madness betting pools illegal, as well as that "entry drug" into the evils of gambling, coin flipping.

Calling heads or tails starts impressionable innocents on an immoral path. We can't have that.

Alcohol is also in my sights. Nothing good ever comes from drinking The Devil's Brew, so it has no business in our town. Lemonade -- the "soft" kind -- and sweet tea will be the strongest beverages you will be able to drink in the new-and-improved Cape Girardeau.

The same goes for most forms of dancing. Ballet might be OK, provided their outfits are not TOO revealing. But as to that dancing that is done in places where they sell The Devil's Brew or in schools under the guise of "Prom," those have got to go. Everyone knows that all that gyrating and pulsating just leads to fornicating outside of the sanctity of marriage. Evil.

And I've long believed that we need to reinstate the Sunday blue laws. Businesses have no business being open in our town on the Sabbath. The only place residents should be is going to church, in church, coming back from church or having a home-cooked meal with family where the church sermon can be discussed. Period.

I've also heard that hamsters and gerbils are sometimes used in nefarious acts by certain non-heterosexual couples, so my petition also seeks to ban the possession and ownership of those creatures within the city limits.

Since I would not want any upstarts trying to circulate petitions to repeal any of the things that this petition and the eventual vote successfully bans, I would also make future petitioning a whole lot harder to do. Rather than letting people just sign a piece of paper, we would require that everyone in favor of a particular petition actually show up at specific location and time for personal validation by the County Clerk.

To legally sign a petition you will just need to be present and have a valid driver's license, birth certificate, social security card, green card and a fishing license just to prove that you are who you claim to be.

So I urge all of you to sign my Repeal-Casino-Gambling-And-All-Other-Forms-Of-Games-Of-Chance-Including-But-Not-Limited-To-Lottery-Tickets,-Bingo-Parlors,-Betting-Pools-And-Coin-Flipping-As-Well-As-Outlawing-The-Possession-And-Consumption-of-All-Alcoholic-Beverages,-Dancing-In-All-Forms-Except-Ballet-If-The-Outfits-Are-Appropriate,-Plus-The-Reinstatement-Of-The-Sunday-Blue-Laws-And-Outlawing-The-Possession-And-Ownership-Of-Any-Rodents-That-Could-Be-Used-In-Nefarious-Acts-By-Certain-Non-Heterosexual-Couples-And-Make-Petitioning-A-Whole-Lot-More-Difficult-To-Do-In-The-City-Of-Cape-Girardeau Petition.

Now, please don't get the wrong idea. I'm not trying to take an adversarial position on any of these issues. I just want to put these issues on the ballot and let the people decide.

Comments

View 13 comments or respond

Community discussion is important, and we encourage you to participate as a reader and commenter. Click here to see our Guidelines. We also encourage registered users to let us know if they see something inappropriate on our site. You can do that by clicking "Report Comment" below.

As I don't want to add pork (earmarks) to the above petition, may I propose another calling for the creation of a local income tax. Such a tax would ensure that non-resident workers in the sin industry as well as those at SEMO, Southeast and St Francis pay for the city services used. Since the last three do not pay property taxes it is one way the city can compensate for their seemingly insatiable desire to remove property from the tax base through acquisition.

Naturally all Cape citizens would receive a tax credit equal to the property tax they pay. With the exception of hih income individuals this should negate any increase in taxes for local residents.

By partially shifting the burden of the city's maintenance to folks/institutions who have heretofore received a free ride, the economic allure of a casino to the town council may be lessened.

-- Posted by semowasp on Thu, Jun 3, 2010, at 7:20 AM
Oh silly Christians, tricks are for kids.

I can see it now, some of them will probably go door to door telling people that if they don't sign the petition, they will go to hell, or the Mississippi River will make a Great Flood and drown the evil-doers who didn't sign the petition.

Though with your petition Brad, I think the economy in Cape would literally collapse. What students want to go to a town where drinking isn't allowed? I'm sure there's a few, but only enough for a campus about a 1/4 of the size now.

Jackson would really profit under your petition, as they could offer all of the services Cape did not. And who really wants Jackson to win?

-- Posted by almighty on Thu, Jun 3, 2010, at 8:46 AM
I do!

-- Posted by jacksonresident1 on Thu, Jun 3, 2010, at 9:05 AM
Brad, I can see the wisdom of your position. What about adding the removal of that devil rock and roll onto your petition? We know how it gets the youngsters all frothed up!

-- Posted by jcwill on Thu, Jun 3, 2010, at 1:06 PM
Hellidity dam, sounds like a good old fashioned fire breathin' and damnation camp meeting revival is about to hit town!

Will Brother Brad Hollerbach lead us in the opening prayer?

Well, we need to clip the tailfeathers of those awful god forsaken sinners and restore purity and sunshine to the community.

A future tourism article will state visitations drop to Zero.

-- Posted by voyager on Thu, Jun 3, 2010, at 1:22 PM
I know you're trying to be cute, but you're missing the point and lookign clueless in the process.

The casino in Cape shouldn't be there because it's bad DEVELOPMENT. Get it? it's crappy construction which offers low wage jobs all the while SUCKING money out of Cape. You mention the Mayberry downtown. I happen to like the downtown and would rather the city give tax incentives to businesses who move there and also fix it up a bit. Outdoor malls are back in style and downtown Cape could be such a place if the city got it's act together.

So...it's NOT about sinning and it's not about showing how smart you think you are by pointing out bingo world (man, you really showed those christians). I get it, christians are hypcritical, wow, you really showed them (guess what, they know, they're not as dumb as you think they are and you're not as smart as you think you are).

I say don't install this POS building with its low wage crappy jobs which will take the money out of Cape and ship it off to Vegas.

Use your brains.

Ps. BTW...since I know it means so much to you i'll tell you....I'm not a christian.

-- Posted by Mike96 on Thu, Jun 3, 2010, at 1:29 PM
How do you know the building will be a POS when no company has officially presented plans nor decided on a builder for one yet? How is a company taking your money off to Vegas any different than a company taking your money off to Bentonville, AR (Wal-Mart), or Mooresville, NC (Lowes), or Chicago, IL (Sears), or Dallas, TX (JCPenneys)?

Casino dealers, according to salary.com, avg about $30k/yr, casino bartenders about $33k/yr, booth attendants about $32k/yr, cage cashiers about $29k. Those aren't jobs that will get you rich but they aren't bad for our area, and those are just the entry-level jobs. There are plenty of management jobs in casinos that pay much higher. Those scales are national averages, so they may end up a little lower for a Cape casino, but those salaries are nothing to scoff at.

-- Posted by gomer on Thu, Jun 3, 2010, at 2:00 PM
"I'm sure there's a few, but only enough for a campus about a 1/4 of the size now."

See Murray State University, Murray, KY. Enrollment runs pretty parallel with SEMO and is located in a dry county (the city of Murray does allow liquor by the drink in restraunts now, but the rest of the county is dry). Not that I'm in favor of a dry county, but the Tennessee line was only 8 miles away - a short trip for a thirsty college student.

-- Posted by farmwife2 on Thu, Jun 3, 2010, at 2:09 PM
Yikes Kcmike, sounds like you could use a trip to the casino to take a bit of the edge off.

-- Posted by almighty on Thu, Jun 3, 2010, at 3:07 PM
I'm not foolish enough to believe that having a casino would be an economic "silver-bullet" KCMike, but I don't think it would be all doom and gloom.

I remember Caruthersville prior to it's casino and in my opinion, it helped rejuvenate that town.

Granted the entirety of Cape does not need rejuvenated, but the areas of downtown where a development would likely go (keeping in mind that at the moment EVERYTHING about ANY potential casino is purely conjecture including the assumption that the construction will be of poor quality)are vacant parcels that are unlikely to be developed for anything else -- EVER -- unless of course the University is needing some off-off-off campus parking.

Thanks for reading.

-- Posted by Brad_Hollerbach on Thu, Jun 3, 2010, at 3:34 PM
I've been trying my best to rid this city of alcohol for years now. But the more I drink the more they bring in. Send Help!!!

-- Posted by DADES on Thu, Jun 3, 2010, at 4:38 PM
I agree with rejuvenating the downtown, i'm all for it. Why would you put something there which is designed to take money OUT of the area?

In regards to Wal-Marts, Sears, etc. I would vote against them also if it came up. These mega stores which ship money out of the city aren't good for the local economy.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not anti-casino, I go about twice a year. I'm not anti-walmart either. BUT, if we have a choice, I choose against them.

Casino jobs are awful and low paying and the money goes out of state.

How about tax incentives for businesses which relocate downtown? How about a running a bond which provides new street lighting and sidewalks? How about making it a REAL entertainment area instead of a hobbled mess of bars?

In recent years cities have begun to realise that the downtowns are the heart of cities and have begun to put money into them and anchoring them with sports venue's, etc(i'm not advocating a stadium, just using it as an example). A casino is hardly something to anchor the downtown with.

-- Posted by Mike96 on Thu, Jun 3, 2010, at 8:34 PM
Loved it, Brad!

Guess you suspected that there might be one or two who would take your clever, funny blog too seriously?

Anyway ... I can't sign the petition because I don't have a fishing license ... do have a card that is green ... think it's expired, though.

-- Posted by gurusmom on Sun, Jun 6, 2010, at 5:18 PM

Respond to this blog

Posting a comment requires a subscription.