- Cape Rolling Out Bloomfield Road Art Trail (8/21/19)1
- Donors Pledge Almost Two Grand To Replace SEMO's Possibly Sentient ‘Gum Tree' (8/16/18)
- SEMO and The Will To (Become A Consultant) – Part 2 (6/14/18)
- SEMO and The Will To Do (You Really Want To See That Legal Notice?) – Part 1 (6/4/18)
- Judge, Jury... Trashman (6/1/18)
- Diary of Cape Girardeau Road Deconstruction (5/11/18)
- Trying To Save A Tree From City “Improvements” (4/30/18)2
Local 'Bicycle Beer Bandit' Has West Coast Rival
A man was arrested in Washington state last weekend for attempting to shoplift beer from a grocery store using his daughter's baby stroller. She was in it at the time. An observant store manager stopped the thief by holding onto the buggy outside the store until the police arrived.
The man's name is really not relevant, but for the sake of this blog we will call him the Baby Buggy Beer Booster.
This story is eerily similar to Cape's own Bicycle Beer Bandit who attempted to pedal off from one of our convenience stores last summer carrying two cases of stolen beer. An employee of the store chased him down and he was arrested.
Hopefully these two criminal masterminds will never meet. Individually, their plans for pilfering beer are... lacking. However, I think that if the two ever encountered one another it could be a Reese's moment.
First, a little brief background on that Dennis-Millerish type of reference for any whipper-snappers out there who happen to be reading the blog of that cranky Irony dude.
During the 1980's, TV commercials for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups would often show two people, one eating peanut butter and the other chocolate. They would bump into one another causing their snacks to mix and one of them would say "You got your peanut butter in my chocolate!" and the other would counter with "You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!" They would then sample the concoction and remark on the great taste. This tied in with the candy's slogan at the time "Two great tastes that taste great together."
I feel the same way about our local Bicycle Beer Bandit and this Baby Buggy Beer Booster from the West Coast.
Individually, their approaches to stealing beer are rather weak.
Last August, our local Man with the Plan tried to pedal off from the Bi-State Southern Convenience Store on South Sprigg carrying two cases of beer. That's 40 pounds of brew.
Obviously, the Bicycle Beer Bandit flunked physics in school because Einstein's Theory of Beverage Transport Dynamics specifically says that it is impossible to carry two cases of brew while pedaling a bicycle UNLESS the bicycle in question happens to be one of those tandem jobs and an additional person is pedaling.
Einstein said it, so it must be true.
And now you have the Baby Buggy Beer Booster. He tried a more covert approach to stealing beer by using his baby daughter and her wheels to hide his shoplifting efforts. What the heck was he thinking? That's the problem. He wasn't.
So individual these two guy's processes for stealing beer, just don't work. But what if they got together? Imagine the results if they used a bicycle WITH one of those pull-behind-your-bike baby strollers.
I wager that no beer display would be safe from shoplifting if that ever were to occur.
In honor of the Baby Buggy Beer Booster, I was inspired to create the following song which absolutely, positively does NOT sound anything like "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" by Charlie Daniels. Nope. Not one bit.
Inspired by Actual True Events
Bubba went down to Safeway, he was looking for some ice cold brew
But he had no cash, just his baby in a buggy, what was a man to do?
When he came across the beer cooler, and he had a brilliant thought
Bubba pulled back the buggy's sheets and said "Girl, let me tell you what."
"Make some space in that buggy and please don't make a poo
Cause I'm gonna use your stroller to steal a little brew.
Now you've been a pretty good baby, girl, but give your pa his due
I've got an awful thirst. It's a family curse and it's partly cuz of you."
The baby said not a word as Bubba dropped in the case of Stag
He covered it up and sprinted out the door without his diaper bag.
Richard the manager saw the thief and grabbed the buggy quick
'Cuz nobody steals from Safeway, especially not from manager Dick
If Bubba gets away, he'll get to keep the ale
But if Dick catches him, he will go to jail
Dick yanked on the buggy and said "Why you stealing my beer?"
"I'm not stealin' nothing," Bubba shouted back with a bit of a sneer
Bubba tugged hard on the stroller and it fell on to its side
Out fell the case of beer and his baby girl started to cry
wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah
wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah
wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah
WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah
wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
When the baby finished crying, Dick said "And what do you call that Stag?"
"You sit your butt on the curb right there with your diaper bag."
"Beer in the buggy, I saw you take
You must be a helluva flake
Stealing from Safeway, it's a crime
You're going to prison for a long, long time."
Bubba bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat
He laid that case of Stag on the ground at Richard's feet
Richard said "Mister, don't come back to Safeway ever again.
You may not know, you son of a bitch, I'm the best manager that's ever been."
And Dick said, "Beer in the buggy, I saw you take
You must be a helluva flake
Stealing from Safeway, it's a crime
You're going to prison for a long, long time."
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