Exploding Underpants Not Necessarily A Bad Thing

I was wishing last Friday that I had a pair of exploding underpants.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't want you to think that I have some desire to be a martyr and kill myself along with a couple hundred strangers like Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab tried on Christmas when he attempted to blow-up a Northwest Airlines flight landing in Detroit with his home-made exploding underpants.

Not in the least. I think that mentality is twisted and that the jihad-pushers prey on the minds of the gullible and stupid.

But I do think these terrorists might be onto something regarding exploding underpants.

I was thinking they were a good idea the other morning when the temperature was 9 degrees as I drove my short commute to work. The key part of that sentence is "short commute." I only live about a mile from work, and therefore in cold weather the five-minutes is like driving while sitting buckled into a freezer. It usually takes my truck two or three miles to get above C on its internal temperature gauge. That's when I know I can kick on the heat and actually feel hot air.

And while I have a nice warm jacket, and a pair of cashmere-lined gloves and some Polartec 180s that are fantastic at keeping my ears warm, the lower half of my wardrobe is kind of lacking when the weather dips below freezing.

Oh, sure, I could go to Wal-Mart and buy some long-underwear. Yes, that would keep me comfortable during my drive, but when I get to work, then what? My office stays about seventy year-round and our company's computer server room that I frequent several times a day rarely dips below eighty. If I was wearing long-underwear, I'd be sweating up a storm by the time I actually got to my desk.

I suppose I could take off my long-underwear when I got to work although that would be a hassle and I'm pretty sure that upper-management would frown on me drying sweaty long-johns in my office.

But a pair of exploding underpants is a whole different matter.

Of course, the type of exploding underpants I would want for my own personal use, would be more high tech than what Mr. Mutallab tried to set off on Flight 253. His underpants were designed to detonate all at one time. That could be devastating to both the wearer and anyone close by when those underpants went off.

My ideal pair of exploding underpants would be designed to allow the wearer to have controlled explosions. Rather than one big boom, the wearee could initiate tiny explosions that would generate minute amounts of heat whenever the wearer demanded it via either a personal thermostat or a handy remote control.

These exploding underpants could be used anywhere and at anytime, not just when you were getting in a frigid vehicle. For instance, while my office is toasty, I sometimes have to go to our building's basement that has no heating. It would be great to fire off a couple of warming micro-explosions in my underpants while I worked in our chilly storeroom.

Or what if you went to a restaurant and got seated near the entrance where every time the door was opened an icy breeze blew over you. Thermostatically-controlled exploding underpants would keep you nice and toasty during your entire meal.

Or how about those times when you've been in a movie theatre and their HVAC starts blowing cold air in the dead of winter. A quick access of the remote control would have you snuggily warm in no time all.

I think this is a great idea and really lends itself to other apparel such as remote controlled exploding socks and t-shirts. Just thinking of the possibilities of a whole line of exploding undies has practically warmed the cockles of my heart.