'Michael Jackson Is Not Dead.'

"Michael Jackson is not dead."

That's what my friend Pete told me the other day. Pete's a bit of loon, but that's what makes him interesting. I like interesting people.

"You mean that figuratively, don't you, Pete? Like he lives on in spirit?"

"Oh, no. I mean he is not dead. His entire death was a cover-up. It was completely faked.

"Here I thought I'd heard them all... You know, I guess that IF that were really true it would be the end-all-be-all of publicity stunts and Jacko certainly wasn't publicity shy. Fake your own death to generate over-the-top publicity for the 50 concerts you're about to stage in London. I watched part of Jackson's funeral on TV this past summer and kept thinking that maybe he wasn't really dead and that this was all just an extremely elaborate setup for a new version of the Thriller video."

"So you thought Jacko might pop out of the coffin towards the end of the eulogizing and break into song? Why that's just sick, Brad! And pretty unrealistic."

"I will be the first to admit that I have a warped view of the world. OK, let's play pretend. IF Michael Jackson is still alive and isn't conducting the biggest publicity stunt of all time, then where is he?"

"I'm telling you it's not pretend. This is for real. He's been recruited to join an elite group of crime fighters. I read about it on the internet."

"You're off your meds, aren't you Pete? I've never heard of any group like that outside of a comic book."

"It's because they're Super-Duper-Triple-Top-Secret. They're so secret that even the President doesn't even know of their existence."

"Unless the President visited the same website that you got this information from."

"Not likely. It's Super-Duper-Triple-Top-Secret, too. It moves around. The domain changes all the time. It's like the Keyser Söze of websites. It's there one minute then poof! It is gone. All the stuff The Man doesn't want you to know is at this website."

"Like Michael Jackson not being dead?"

"Exactly. His death was an extensive cover-up designed to make everyone think he's dead so he could join the Celebri-Team."

"The Celebri-Team? Is this what your elite group of crime fighters is called?"

"Yes, that's what they call it. It's composed entirely of famous people who everyone THINKS are dead. They've been chosen to protect the human race from evildoers and to fight crime."

"Chosen by whom?"

"Howard Hughes. That's who. He founded the Celebri-Team in 1977."

"Howard Hughes died in 1976, Pete."

"That's just what he wanted everyone to think. He made us all believe he was a billionaire nut-job. That was just his cover. The guy was a genius. After he discovered, the secret to eternal life he decided to use the power to watch-over and protect mankind with an elite team of celebrities."

"So Howard Hughes is alive and well and in possession of the secret to eternal life ...OK. Why celebrities? Why not police officers or people experienced with fighting crime?"

"Hughes didn't want to schmooze around for eternity watching over mankind with some average Joes. Think about it. He hob-knobbed with the rich and famous all of his life. He can relate to them. He can't relate to people like you and me."

"So why would these celebrities give up being rich and famous to go underground as crime-fighters?"

"Hello! Were you even listening to me? They did it for eternal life. Plus most of their careers were on the slide. Heck, look at Elvis. His estate has grown enormously since he joined the team and everybody thought he was dead."

"Oh, so Elvis was a recruit. Kind of explains all the sightings over the years. Who else?"

"Let's see there's Brando and Johnny Carson and Andre the Giant and Anna Nicole Smith."

"That's certainly an interesting mix of personalities. So besides being given the gift of eternal life, do these celebrities have any 'super-powers' that they use to fight crime?"

"I don't think you'd really call them super-powers. More like semi-super-powers. Basically, it's their natural abilities magnified. Sort of like how a blind-person develops extra-sensitive hearing. For instance, Brando was a pretty large man when he 'died.' He's got even bigger since then. He uses his girth to fight crime, sumo-style. "

"And Elvis? What's his semi-super power?"

"Crooning. Elvis was one heckuva mesmerizing crooner when he was alive and he's just improved in 'death.' My understanding is that he can lull a criminal into a daze with one of his old classics then at the moment when their defenses are completely down he bashes them over the head with his guitar."

"Ya know Pete, I just don't understand why Michael Jackson would want to join this Celebri-Team. I mean eternal life would be a pretty nice incentive and all, but his career didn't appear to be going downhill. In fact, it looked like it was on the upswing. I've read that he was excited to be doing these shows in London and preparing for them like there was no tomorrow. That doesn't sound like someone who would want to fake his own death."

"Actually, I think you're right. He didn't want to join the Celebri-Team, but Howard Hughes felt that the King of Pop would make an interesting companion and an excellent crime-fighter and when Howard makes up his mind, you don't say no. Besides, Hughes had leverage."

"Leverage? What kind of leverage could Hughes possibly have on Michael Jackson? Incriminating photos with kids?"

"Oh, nothing that tawdry. The word is that Hughes recruited Bubbles to join the team."

"Bubbles? Bubbles, the chimp that was Jackson's companion for almost 20 years? But the chimp is still alive. I read that it's living in an animal sanctuary in Florida."

"That's a whole other cover-up. Hughes replaced the chimp at the animal sanctuary with a look-a-like, so Bubbles could join the Celebri-Team. Then Hughes tipped off Jacko. If he ever wanted to see the real Bubbles ever again, he was going to have to join the Celebri-Team. That was reason enough for Michael to fake his death."

"A look-a-like to ape Bubbles. That's pretty diabolical. Just goes to show that you don't monkey around with Howard Hughes."