Call Homeland Security! The Cones Are Gone!

The security traffic cones in front of the old Federal Building by the curb.

I noticed something shocking going to work this past Monday.

The orange traffic cones that have protected the old Federal Building at the corner of Broadway and Fountain were gone! Vanished! MIA! Poof!

THEY WERE JUST NOT THERE!

Now, some people might think that a few missing traffic cones are not a big deal, but I disagree.

These cones have been the only things that have kept the heart of downtown Cape Girardeau safe from terrorists and other nefarious types wishing to make an explosive political statement here in the City of Roses.

I'm not sure exactly when the cones first appeared. It was either after the Oklahoma City bombing or the 9/11 attacks. In either case, the cones showed up and they've been keeping the bad-guys at bay for years. I offer the following evidence as proof that the cones have worked and worked damn well.

Have we had any buildings -- Federal or otherwise -- blown up in that entire time in Cape Girardeau?

Nope, not a one.

I rest my case.

Now some of you might be thinking, "Why in the world would any terrorist want to even consider attacking the old Federal Building in Cape Girardeau?"

That's a good point and I've thought long and hard about the possible reasons why Cape Girardeau and the old Federal Building could be on some terrorist organization's Things-To-Do list. I concluded there were two viable reasons.

First, Cape is as good of a target as any, maybe even better from a terrorist's perspective. After all, we are in "Podunk, Missouri." We're not expecting to be the target of terrorists so a terrorist would think we were easy pickin's.

Little do they know that the folks of the Heartland have an innate ability to spot anyone who wasn't raised within 30 miles of where they live thus originating that well-known phrase "You ain't from around here are ya... boy?" A spat of chew usually follows this proclamation.

The second reason that Cape and the old Federal Building could be in the terrorists' sights is because of all the dumb terrorists.

Every organization has usually several morons, the idiots who somehow got hired and now thanks to various reasons just can't be let go. Why should a terrorist organization be any different?

For the sake of this discussion, let's call one of these hypothetical idiot terrorists Ralph. I know I could call him Mohamed or Khalid, but that would be stereotyping and stereotyping is bad and never accurate. Nope. Never ever.

Anyhow, Ralph would be the guy who barely squeaked through Terrorist Training Tech. His professors probably didn't want to have him fumbling around in Bomb Making 101 for another year so they passed him just for showing up to class every day.

But then after graduation, Ralph's handlers would be at a loss as to where to use him. They wouldn't want him involved in the planning of an attack on one of the big cities. He'd probably bungle that operation and get his whole sleeper cell hauled off to GITMO for a little fun-in-the-sun.

No, they would want to save that work for students who graduated magna cum bomba, not the doofus who made it through TTT -- Go Fighting Crusaders! -- out of the sheer grace of his professors and God or Allah or whatever deity was driving his personal train.

So where else could they assign him where he might not get caught, but still might do some good for their cause?

The Midwest is perfect. If Ralph happened to actually succeed at blowing up something, it would be great PR, a stab in the Heart of the Great Satan. And if not, at least Ralph would be far away from the real terror schemes being cooked up in the big cities.

But, of course, Ralph's plans to blow-up our old Federal Building have long been foiled by a squadron of vigilante orange traffic cones.

I don't know what those cones are made of, but apparently it includes some powerful anti-terrorist juju.

That's why I was so concerned this past Monday, when I drove by the Federal Building and there was not a cone in sight! Not one!

I don't know if some genius had put them away in deference to last weekend's homecoming parade or what, but as of Monday, our old Federal Building was a sitting duck, defenseless against terrorist attacks.

Thankfully, someone guarding the old Federal Building noticed this hole in the perimeter security and took action on Tuesday. The cones were back at their posts once more.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw them standing at attention, suspiciously eyeing every vehicle that drove by on Broadway.

The world was safe again.

Ralph the Terrorist had missed his chance.