Everything Goes Better with Explosives

A Jackson man recently proposed a man-made lake in the area where the Diversion Channel now exists in an effort to increase tourism in Cape Girardeau County.

As many of you know, I am a big proponent of boosting local tourism. For instance, I firmly believe that we should capitalize on all of the Historic Parking Lots of Cape Girardeau that exist in our city thanks in large part to the University and Southeast Hospital.

While the amount of tourism potentially generated by a man-made lake is highly debatable, I know for a fact that the process of creating the lake would be huge attraction.

It's a well-documented phenomenon that people like to see things blown up.

Just consider the demolition of our old Mississippi Bridge in 2004. Thousands watched as it was razed a section at a time over a three-month period. The city really failed to capitalize on the energy of those events. We probably should have invested in portable bleachers and used some of our tourism slush fund money to buy billboards promoting the event in advance.

But what's done is done. That bridge is history, and I'll be dead and gone long before the new Mississippi Bridge is in decrepit enough shape that it too needs to be blown up. However, I believe that just because we don't currently have a bridge that needs to be disposed of, that it should deter us from blowing up something. Or even better, multiple somethings.

I suggest that Cape create an event dedicated to blowing up things. The Big Bang Festival we could call it.

While we may be fresh out of bridges, there are plenty of derelict buildings around town that we can implode. I bet that with just a little promotion, we can attract thousands of pyromaniacal-minded tourists and explosives-enthusiasts from all over the country to our little corner of Missouri to participate in this festival.

I think we've got lots of things sitting around that are just crying to be blown up. For instance, we could probably count on the University and Southeast Hospital to donate at least a half-dozen buildings that we could blow up during the festivities. If they're going to tear them down for more parking, then I say we demo them in style with a little TNT.

And, of course, when I say "a little TNT," I really mean "a whole lot of TNT." If we're going to blow things up, we need to not be slapdash about it. Tourists won't come here for itsy-bitsy little explosions. We need to put on a show, and if the explosives experts say a house can be brought down with 2 sticks of dynamite, then I say we use a case.

Besides Southeast Hospital and the University, we could certainly count on the city to contribute at least a couple of condemned buildings to the cause. Why should we pay some company to tear down dangerous buildings when we could actually charge people to watch them go up in a cloud of dust and debris?

I'm already counting on the city to donate the building at the corner of Sprigg and Broadway. Cape appears to be on track to condemn it over structural issues so if we're going to tear it down anyway, then let's blow it up and charge admission.

Actually, there are a lot of buildings on Broadway that would probably be excellent candidates for our festival. For instance, the derelict Esquire Theatre in the 800 block is practically begging to be imploded. Hopefully, Mother Nature doesn't beat us to it.

But don't think that downtown is the only place in the area with demolition-worthy structures. Mid-town has a beauty in the form of the long vacant Plaza Galleria. She'd make a nice pile of rubble.

And for the big finale to our festival, I recommend we blow up the airport.

I envision something like the end of the movie Caddyshack where Bill Murray's character Carl Spackler eradicates an entire golf course while trying to get rid of one smart gopher.

We could do the same thing, but with Cape Regional. The SEMO Band could play the "1812 Overture" -- just like in the movie -- while our choreographed blasts level the entire site back to swampland. I promise, it will top any Fourth of July celebration you've ever seen.

And really would anyone actually miss the airport if we turned it into a pile of twisted metal and smoking ruins? I don't think so. After all, it has never been used all that much and if it weren't for Federal pork barrel spending in the form of the Essential Air Services Act we wouldn't have any commercial flights out of Cape.

Considering how the Federal Government and our elected officials have put this country into debt over the years, I think Cape Girardeau could send a strong message to the spendthrifts in Washington by saying "Thanks for thinking of us with that EAS money, but frankly we're not all that 'essential' and you can apply the money you sent us for our airport towards paying down the national debt."

Wouldn't that be something? Think of all the positive press coverage we'd get.

"Missouri Town Turns Away Millions From Feds, Requests It Be Used To Pay Down National Deficit"

Not that that would ever really happen. How often does a town or state really turn down 'free money' being doled out by the federal government?

That would be as likely as Cape actually hosting something called The Big Bang Festival or the Diversion Channel being converted into a lake.