What To Do With Trashcans The City Says Are Obsolete?

I had a dream last week about the new automated trash collection system that the City of Cape Girardeau has been promoting.

In my dream, it is a crisp fall morning and as I'm watching my elderly neighbor pull weeds by the curb, a RoboTrash T-30000 roars around the corner on two wheels, belching smoke and revving its engine like it's preparing for a drag-race, its driver hidden from view behind opaque windows.

RoboTrash pulls up alongside my neighbor, air brakes shrieking. Its trash claw whips out and grabs her in mid-dandelion pull. As it is about to toss her into the truck's collection bin, the claw appears to change its mind and instead sits her back on the sidewalk next to her bucket of weeds with a giant orange sticker on her forehead detailing the reasons why she could not be recycled. This time.

At that point, I woke up wondering if I will now be able to recycle my greasy pizza boxes with this new trash system?

Since it appears eminent that the city is going to foist their automated refuse collection system upon the citizens of Cape Girardeau, I have been contemplating the ramifications of this potential municipal mandate.

Specifically, what the heck am I going to do with my current trashcans now that they have been declared obsolete by the city?

I suppose I could chuck them into one of the new trashcans that will be supplied by the Public Works Department, but which one? Are my old plastic trashcans considered trash or can they be recycled along with -- hopefully -- my greasy pizza boxes?

Of course, throwing a trashcan away seems like a huge waste. But if there's one thing that all forms of government in this country are masters of, it is the ability to create waste. From our smallest municipalities to the big kahuna -- The Feds -- we are a country of World Class governmental wasters.

I know that some people in the city administration might take exception of me insinuating that they are being wasteful. Actually, they are not. The trash collection system will likely pay for itself just in workers comp insurance savings. Workers who are currently classified "trash throwers" for insurance purposes will now be "equipment operators" which are much, much cheaper to insure.

But why do we have workers comp insurance? Because of the workers comp laws. And who made those laws? Our governments, that's who.

The city of Cape is just making the best of an overly legislated system. But it's things like this that increase my distaste and cynicism about government on a far too regular basis. We're taking what I view as a perfectly fine, simple system and over-complicating it with robotic claws and $800,000 in special trashcans that are designed to work with them.

I wonder if anyone has even considered the poor soul who actually aspired to be a "trash thrower?" Now, thanks to RoboTrash 30000 he will no longer be able to pursue his dream here in Cape Girardeau. Instead, he'll have to go to Jackson or Chaffee or some other town to chase that rainbow.

That's really sad since not everyone wants to be an "equipment operator." Some guys just live for the thrill of what that next trashcan will bring. How heavy will it be? How foul will it smell? Or will it somehow violate a rule and be worthy of being left full by the curb with one of those orange stickers stuck to its side?

That has to be the best part of the trash thrower's job. They get to be the Garbage Czar and decide what is or isn't "acceptable refuse."

Too heavy. Sticker it.

Greasy pizza box in the recyclables. Sticker it.

Plastic bags mixed in with newspapers. Sticker it.

I bet a trash thrower lives for those moments, when he can pull the pad of orange stickers from out of his coveralls and check off why a particular bag was left behind or a can was not emptied. It's times like that when he is the Lord of Litter, the King of Crap and the Rajah of Rubbish.

No robotic claw will ever be smart enough to make those kinds of decisions. Except, of course, in my dreams.

Thanks to Lumpy for inspiring this piece.