Rice Rehab and Pawn

"I think Reverend Rice needs to open up a methadone clinic in the old Federal Building."

That's what my friend Reggie told me the other day at lunch. He has been fascinated by the Reverend Larry Rice's attempts over the last few months to acquire the old Federal Building on Broadway and turn it into a homeless shelter.

"You were reading one of Sam Blackwell's recent columns about crack houses around Cape, weren't you, Reggie? Only problem with your idea is that methadone is useful in treating opioid dependence to drugs such as heroin and morphine. It is not intended to reduce the use of non-narcotics such as cocaine, crack, methamphetamine, or alcohol."

"Wow Brad! You're really smart. One could almost think that you lifted that entire definition off the Internet."

"Well, I suppose I do occasionally channel Wikipedia. So why do you think Rice needs to open a methadone clinic?"

"Hello!!!! Besides his Happy Hobo Hotel, he wants to open a Free Store. Have you ever seen the balance sheet on a Free Store? The cash flow sucks. And his hotel is not going to make much money either, so he needs to have some source of revenue."

"And you think a methadone clinic is the answer?"

"Methadone and general drug detox. He can call it Rice Rehab."

"Drug rehab programs can't be cheap. How do you think addicts are actually going to pay for something like that?"

"Well, duhhhhh! The government, of course. I bet there are a dozen programs out there that Rice can glom onto to pay for his rehab services. And for the addicts who want to pay for their own bills, he can also open a pawn shop."

"Soooooo, you think the old Federal Building should be part Happy Hobo Hotel and part Rice Rehab and Pawn?"

"And Free Store. You can't forget the Free Store."

"What exactly would somebody have of value to pawn if they were addicted to drugs and desperate enough to check themselves in to this Rice rehab operation that you're proposing?"

"That all depends on what they can steal. I know that sounds bad, but it's actually pretty good for the economy."

"Stealing? Good for the economy? How can stealing be good for the economy?"

"It's simple. Let's say someone steals your TV. What would you do?"

"Ignoring the fact that I have an older Sony that weighs more than most drug addicts and is a bear to move with two healthy men and that anyone attempting to move it in a hurry would likely have a hernia before they got it to my front door, I guess I would buy a new one."

"And by buying a new TV, you would be putting money back into the economy. Now imagine how great the local economy would be if you had a 100 drug addicts scouring the city looking for pawnable items to steal so they could pay for their rehab. Law abiding citizens would have to go buy new stuff to replace all their old stolen stuff. Cape's economy would be booming!"

"Of course, if we had a crime spree of that magnitude, I'm sure all the insurance companies would jack our rates sky high. Had you considered that, Reggie?"

"Details. Details. No plan is ever perfect."