Brad Hollerbach is the Director of Information Technology for the Southeast Missourian. His opinions are his own and do not reflect those of the newspaper or its editorial board. He writes this blog primarily for his own amusement and to parody the absurdities of the world we live in. He lives with his wife and two cats that don't really care for one another in Cape.

Is It Wrong To Love My Trashcan?

Posted Friday, September 18, 2009, at 12:00 AM

I think I may love my trashcan.

At least I love one of my trashcans and not in the perverse way that you might find on a kinky website like TrashcanLust.com or DumpsterLuvin.net. No, I love it in a purely platonic, I-love-you-man, guy-kind-of-way.

The trashcan is the one that I brought to my marriage. Ol' Blackie is what I call him, mainly because he's old and he's black.

My wife brought two trashcans to our marriage. I tolerate them since they are
trashcans-in-law. One is called Bluey. He's blue. The other is named Wheel. He used to be named Wheels until an overly-aggressive refuse collection agent bounced him a little too hard on the sidewalk causing one of his two plastic tires to shatter. He's also missing a handle.

When he's full, you have to balance him just right to get him to roll on his lone wheel. It's kind of sad. Sort of like watching a 3-legged dog run after a stick tossed on an ice-covered pond.

The trashcans my wife and I bought a few years ago we call The Quads since there are four of them. I do not love The Quads. I don't even particularly like them. Frankly, The Quads have been great big disappointments. They are the cheapest waste receptacles I've ever owned.

I won't say who made those four, but the name sounds a little like Blubber Weighed. I thought when I bought The Quads that they were a good deal. They were a name brand as far as plastic manufacturers go, made by the same company that made Bluey and they were reasonable-priced at about ten dollars each.

But holes quickly appeared in The Quad's soft, malleable plastic and within months of being acquired a couple of the cans had tears on their sides. One of the lids developed a bad split making it useless. I pitched it. The trashcans are still basically usable, but will they last 20 years like my trashcan or even my trashcans-in-law? Not in a heartbeat.

Currently, I use The Quads along with Ol' Blackie for primarily collecting and hauling yard waste to the Cape recycling center.

While Ol' Blackie has a couple of small holes in his bottom, he has no splits, his handles are rock-solid and his lid still fits great. Basically he is as sound as the day I bought him at Central Hardware almost 20 years ago. Considering that he is just hard plastic and sits outside in the elements year-round, he is in remarkable shape.

Ol' Blackie has been a stalwart companion. He's carried tons of plaster and lathe and other assorted construction debris that comes with renovating several houses over the years. At times I've filled him with so much yard waste that I've had trouble just dragging him over to my truck for a trip to the recycling center. That might explain the holes on his bottom.

In a word, Ol' Blackie is reliable. And I'm sure he'll be there when the day comes that I need to put one or more of The Quads out of their misery and dispose of their rubbery remains by the curb.

After all, he is a trashcan's trashcan.

Comments

View 9 comments or respond

Community discussion is important, and we encourage you to participate as a reader and commenter. Click here to see our Guidelines. We also encourage registered users to let us know if they see something inappropriate on our site. You can do that by clicking "Report Comment" below.

Naming one's trashcans! Only you, Brad! Just goes to show that a talented creative writer can make anything interesting. I'm now inspired to name my trashcan. That's right, only one, but I don't want to make him feel bad by calling attention to that fact w/ a name like "Uno."

He's seen better days, but still gets the job done w/ the help of a bungee cord my husband strings from handle to handle over the top to help keep the lid from coming off. Hey, maybe "Bungee," or "Snappy!"

-- Posted by jean-louise on Fri, Sep 18, 2009, at 11:59 AM
My only question is....why on earth do you have SEVEN trash cans???

-- Posted by Turnip on Fri, Sep 18, 2009, at 3:25 PM
I find naming things makes them easier to identify, Jean-Louise. For instance, my wife and I still call one room of our house "The Pink Room" because that was the color it was painted when we moved in. It has been a couple different colors since then, but its name has not changed.

Me'Lange, trashcanregistry.com is hilarious! What a great idea. Maybe we should undercut them and come out with BUDGETtrashcanregistry.com.

Turnip, would you believe I'm a very dirty boy?

Actually, my wife and I have 2 properties and 3 yards with lots of landscaping that requires pruning and weeding and what have you. I compost most but outright weeds and twigs go to the recycling center and I accumulate them in about 5 of the trashcans until I am ready for a trip.

If the city gives me 4 more trashcans -- two for each house -- I'm not sure what I'll do. Eleven trashcans is even excessive to me.

Thanks for reading.

-- Posted by Brad_Hollerbach on Fri, Sep 18, 2009, at 3:46 PM
I am in need of some "clunker" cans. Brad, can I buy your cans whenever the Robo-garbage 30000 starts picking your trash up?

BTW - I will offer you a fair price, but I won't pay you $4500 for your perfectly good, but hopelessly outdated trash cans.

Good blog. I name my cars.

-- Posted by Lumpy on Fri, Sep 18, 2009, at 4:24 PM
I might take you up on that, Lumpy. With Robo-garbage 30000, 11 will be too many. That actually could be a blog unto itself. What to do with your old garbage cans that the city has deemed obsolete? I wonder if my old trashcans will fit in the city's new trashcan?

I suppose I could make a "fashion" statement, and put one or two in my front yard up on blocks. Wheel would be appropriate.

TFR

-- Posted by Brad_Hollerbach on Fri, Sep 18, 2009, at 4:35 PM
Its OK Brad I name my lawn mowers, Rusty,Moe,Goat,Chopper,and my riden mower is Dale. I painted it black and put a number 3 on it and named it after The late Dale Earnhardt.

Whenever I get my 45 gallon trash cans I might name them the T-30000.

-- Posted by mogearjammer on Sat, Sep 19, 2009, at 4:42 PM
I've got one humongous rectangular can on rollers. So big I've never completely filled in during any week. It makes a horrible noise when roll down the driveway to the street (usually done about 11 pm).

Have some old kitchen dinette chairs (circa 1950s)need to dispose of. With careful calculation figure putting one chair in the can per week. However, haven't been brave enough to face possible rejection of chair by pick up driver. How the neighbors gossip if the rejected chair is unceremoniously tossed back in the midddle of the driveway for all to see.

-- Posted by voyager on Sat, Sep 19, 2009, at 10:52 PM
voyager, I would use a bag tag (available at your city offices for a buck a piece). Just slap that sucka on there & it's gauranteed not to cause any unnecessary shame. ☻

-- Posted by Turnip on Sun, Sep 20, 2009, at 8:20 PM
Dang, Turnip, I never thought of THAT. TNX!

-- Posted by voyager on Sun, Sep 20, 2009, at 9:23 PM

Respond to this blog

Posting a comment requires a subscription.