Bicycle Beer Bandit 2?
Passion Makes A Man Do Stupid Things

I think the Bicycle Beer Bandit may have a spiritual brother.

If you recall, last month a local "genius" attempted to steal two cases of beer from the BiState Convenience Store on Sprigg Street. He then tried to peddle away with 40 pounds of Budweiser on a bicycle. Needless to say, he was caught and caught quickly.

Now, this past Friday, a man who has been accused of trying to assault a Jackson resident led police on a high-speed chase from that city thru Cape and over into Illinois where he was finally apprehended after he drove over "spike strips" shredding his tires and essentially disabling his vehicle.

At face value, this fellow may not seem to be playing in the same league of ineptitude as the Bicycle Beer Bandit. He appears to be more of a basic bad guy, rather than a World-Class idiot like the BBB. Oh sure, this new guy is stupid. His little high-speed chase could have resulted in innocent bystanders being killed. Thank God that didn't happen.

But when you start actually looking into the details of the incident, you realize that he too has the makings to be a major league moron.

First of all, let's look at the reason for the attempted assault. The Jackson police described it as a "lover's quarrel." OK. That is sort of a legitimate explanation for leading police on a high-speed chase. Passion can make a person do funny things.

And this guy had to be super-passionate since he drove all the way from West Frankfort to Jackson. That's nearly a 2-hour trip if you don't get waylaid at train crossings in Anna or Ware. I think most people would have cooled off a little bit during a drive that long, but not this fellow.

While on his way, he even made various harassing phone calls to his intended victim including one in which he warned his prey that he -- the victim -- was going to need "a bulletproof vest because he was going to fill (him) full of holes by dark."

Doesn't warning your intended victim that you are coming to get them, kind of blow the whole surprise factor? Outside of a slasher film where the killer is calling from inside the victim's own house, when has something like that ever worked? How did he finish the threat?

"And you better not call the cops or I'll put even more holes in you when I get there, in oh say, about an hour and a half."

I wonder if during the drive to Jackson if he actually considered the fact that the weapon he had chosen to use in the commission of this felony was a screwdriver? Who intentionally plans to assault someone with a screwdriver?

That might make sense if your prey is the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz, but otherwise it's not a very good choice. If that's the best makeshift weapon he could find in his toolbox as he was rushing to leave West Frankfort, then somebody should buy the guy a nice hammer as soon as he gets out of prison.

Actually, his choice of weapon will probably help his case in court. The fact he chose to use a screwdriver just proves that the attempted assault wasn't premeditated -- or certainly not premeditated very well. His lawyer will probably have him plead temporary insanity.

If it had been me, speeding towards Cape intent on assaulting someone, I think that around Ware the passion boiling within me would have simmered down a bit and I would have said to myself, "You know, that Phillips screwdriver may not be the right tool for the job. I think I'll stop at Wal-Mart in Cape and get something a little more appropriate for the occasion."

Wal-Mart sells plenty of things capable of putting holes in human beings. Obviously, they have a fine gun selection, although I don't know if there is any waiting period for a non-resident of Missouri. That might have been a problem for our felon from West Frankfort.

However, there is no waiting period for tools -- a nice hammer or crowbar would have been an effective choice -- or housewares. There are lots of fine cutlery sets in housewares. You can definitely make some holes with cutlery.

But, of course, that's just me. I wasn't like this guy, full of passion speeding towards Jackson in my mini-van.

That's another reason I believe this man is of the same caliber as the Bicycle Beer Bandit.

How hopped up on Passion was this guy that made him actually believe he could outrun ANYONE in a mini-van, much less law enforcement? It's a mini-van, not a muscle car. There's a reason they don't race mini-vans in NASCAR. They aerodynamically suck!

Although, if they did race them, I'm sure this fellow from West Frankfort would be the Jeff Gordon of the Nascar Mini-Van Series.

It's obvious that he doesn't know when to quit.

Bicycle Bank Bandit?

A reader emailed me a story from the STLToday.com about a robbery at a St. Louis credit union where the robber escaped on a bicycle. I smell a copy-cat.

Attempted Beer Thief

Vigilant reader MrSnootyMcHandlebags shared a great little story of a woman in Louisiana who managed to waddle out of a store with a case of beer -- that's 20 pound of brew -- gripped between her thighs. Talent. Pure talent.