- Cape Rolling Out Bloomfield Road Art Trail (8/21/19)1
- Donors Pledge Almost Two Grand To Replace SEMO's Possibly Sentient ‘Gum Tree' (8/16/18)
- SEMO and The Will To (Become A Consultant) – Part 2 (6/14/18)
- SEMO and The Will To Do (You Really Want To See That Legal Notice?) – Part 1 (6/4/18)
- Judge, Jury... Trashman (6/1/18)
- Diary of Cape Girardeau Road Deconstruction (5/11/18)
- Trying To Save A Tree From City “Improvements” (4/30/18)2
SEMO Fair Should Hold Bicycle Beer Bandit Races
My favorite season is in full swing.
I'm not talking about fall, although I do really like that season. It's definitely in my top four.
No, I'm talking about the Season of Deep Fried Stuff that usually runs from July into September. That's when a lot of festivals and fairs are held which brings out the traveling food vendors with their massive vats of oil and a desire to deep fry anything.
It's funny how a little deep-fried batter will make everything taste better even a salad.
Deep Fried Stuff is the primary reason I make an annual pilgrimage to the SEMO District Fair. I can't go to Applebee's or O'Charley's and ask for a deep-fried Snicker bar or a Funnel Cake. They don't sell them. That's fair food. You have to go to a fair to have fair food. It's like a law.
The food is basically the only reason I go to the fair. I could care less about the rides. The livestock is interesting and I can appreciate them, having grown up in the country, but to me a cow is a cow. I now live in the city of Cape. It's not like I can take a Holstein home with me as a pet. It's against some ordinance. And while I can spend a half-hour walking through the various fair displays, most of them are not my thing.
But that's OK. The fair is like this blog. Everything can't appeal to everyone, but if you attend for just one reason -- like to sample Deep-Fried Stuff -- then the fair organizers have succeeded.
However, I thought of another reason I personally would attend the fair and I can thank the gentleman who had that volatile mix of gall and stupidity to attempt to steal two cases of beer on a bicycle from the Sprigg Street Bi-State convenience store a week or so ago.
I think the SEMO District Fair should hold Bicycle Beer Bandit Races.
Perhaps, they could even get a corporate sponsor. Bi-State Bicycle Beer Bandit Races has a nice ring and would be appropriate. Or maybe Budweiser would underwrite it. After all, it was that brand of beer that the thief was thirsting for.
These races would be pretty easy to pull off.
We would first need some cases of already skunked beer. I'm a charter member of PETA -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Ale -- and would never consider potentially harming a perfectly good beer for a stunt like Bicycle Beer Bandit Races. However, if the beer is already bad, that's OK. It was going to have to be put down anyhow.
Then we would just need some bicycles, a stretch of track and enough people willing to race bicycles against one another while lugging 40 pounds of beer.
Now some puritans might say that this type of event sets a bad example for the little children and that the fair is supposed to be wholesome and promote good Christian values.
I agree. That's why exactly 15 seconds after the racers grabbed their two cases of beer and attempted to peddle to the finish line, we would release a guy in a McGruff the Crime Dog costume to chase after them and try to disrupt their race.
If we're lucky we will be able to recruit a hulking sergeant from the police force or maybe a line backer from SEMO's football team to squeeze into the McGruff costume.
I think that would be a life-lesson that the kiddies would not soon forget:
Don't commit a crime because a guy splitting out of a dog-suit like Bruce Banner on a bad day could tackle you.
This sounds like great fun to me and I would happily watch it from the bleachers, sipping a cold brew and crunching on a deep-fried pickle.
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