The HPLoCG Needs Some Of Cape's Slushy Money

I'm not going to beat around the bush. The Steering Commitee for the Historic Parking Lots of Cape Girardeau needs your money.

And when I say your money, I really mean a chunk of the Hotel / Motel / Restaurant sales tax slush fund that legally has to be spent on all things touristy. So really, it's not your money or my money, but slushy money. There's a difference.

And the Steering Committee for the Historic Parking Lots of Cape Girardeau could use a couple bags full of some of that slush.

Now, certain people around town might have the impression that I'm against tourism just because I wrote a blog a while back that was critical of the city logo and slogan and the amount of slushy money that was spent on them.

My opinion on that point has not changed. I still think we wasted $42,000 and that the increases in tax revenues that were attributed to the logo and slogan had little to do with tourism.

No, I don't mind spending money on attracting tourists -- especially slushy money -- if there is some kind of public accountability. Were the slushy funds used for advertising and promotions that achieved their goals, assuming, of course, that there were goals? Also were the promotions trackable and -- more importantly -- were they tracked? We should want the most bang for our bucks even if they are slushy bucks.

I imagine that attracting "tourists" from outside our immediate region has to be very difficult. We're not Orlando or Las Vegas with theme parks and gambling halls. We're Cape Girardeau with a pretty bridge, some very nice murals and by this time next summer, a water park. Orlando, we're coming to get you!

And we don't have a well-known celebrity we can capitalize on to lure tourists here like Hannibal uses "Mark Twain." I suppose we could milk the cache of Rush Limbaugh even though he's not dead and he doesn't actually live here and visits infrequently.

For the sake of attracting Ditto-head tourists, we could set up one of those useless Twitter accounts -- RushAroundCape we could call it -- and then just start having "Rush" Tweet from various places around town.

Had a Venti Latte and a scone -- blueberry -- at Starbucks by I-55. Latte a little cold. Obama socializing hot water???

Or

Bucket of beer. Fried cheese cubes. Good view of the Republican Bill Emerson Bridge. Nice night at the Bel Air Grill.

Using Twitter would be a really cheap method of attracting Ditto-heads to Cape to spend their Ditto-dollars.

If we wanted to flesh out the ruse, we could even hire a Rush Impersonator -- The RUSHonator -- who could periodically pop up around town, cigar in hand and spouting his brand of wisdom before being whisked off in a limo. Stuff like that would encourage the Ditto-heads to continue making pilgrimages to Cape.

Leaning against downtown clock. Puffing a Macanudo Maduro. Venti Latte, hot this time. Sun rising over river. Great way to start day.

But I've gotten a little off-topic dreaming up ways of how a Rush Limbaugh impersonator could generate tourist traffic to our town. The purpose of this discourse was to convince the people who control the Hotel / Motel / Restaurant sales tax slush fund to send a little sugar over to the Steering Committee to Promote the Historic Parking Lots of Cape Girardeau.

We feel we have some startup expenses that are just as worthwhile as maintenance to the Glenn House or helping a children's museum get operational.

For instance, we've got to get a couple of cases of orange spray paint. We just can't show off our historic parking lots with faded out stripes. I know some people would call faded stripes "a nice patina", but personally I think that would look bad. We need them to be spiffy for the tourists.

And we're going to need to invest in some granite markers that we can use to identify the historic parking lots around town. They will let the tourists know they are gawking at Certified 100% Authentic Historic Parking Lots and not some knock off imitations that were probably made in China. The Steering Committee for the HPLoCG is serious about vetting the quality of the parking lots we promote.

And we need to get some of those hand-clicker thingamajigs to help our attendants keep track of all the visitors to our parking lots. That's how we plan to be accountable. We will know exactly how many people visited our parking lots, one click at a time. That way everyone will know that we were worthy of our share of the slush fund.

And while we originally were only going to have shirts and magnets and touristy things like that at the knick-knack shacks we are planning on locating at each of the Historic Parking Lots, the Steering Committee for the HPLoCG has also decided that we should have a few concessions.

We imagine the tourists will get pretty parched driving around town. That's why we will need to buy some little fridges for the water and soda that we plan to resell at the booths. We're also considering installing ICEE machines.

Offering Slush Puppies as a choice just seems appropriate.