- Cape Rolling Out Bloomfield Road Art Trail (8/21/19)1
- Donors Pledge Almost Two Grand To Replace SEMO's Possibly Sentient ‘Gum Tree' (8/16/18)
- SEMO and The Will To (Become A Consultant) – Part 2 (6/14/18)
- SEMO and The Will To Do (You Really Want To See That Legal Notice?) – Part 1 (6/4/18)
- Judge, Jury... Trashman (6/1/18)
- Diary of Cape Girardeau Road Deconstruction (5/11/18)
- Trying To Save A Tree From City “Improvements” (4/30/18)2
I Really Shouldn't Mock the Bicycle Beer Bandit
The story appeared on SEMissourian.com shortly before 6 on Friday night as I was about to start mowing my lawn.
A man attempted to get away with two 24-can cases of beer from the Bi-State Southern Convenience Store on South Sprigg using a bicycle. An employee of the store chased him down and recovered the beer while he peddled off. The police quickly found and arrested the alleged thief.
This is one of those stories that is almost too easy to make fun of. It's like shooting fish in a barrel and I probably shouldn't mock the Bicycle Beer Bandit.
I don't know his side of the story. Perhaps he was very, very thirsty. We've all been there, parched and in need of a drink. Oh sure, water can be had for free almost anywhere. But sometimes you just got to have more. You've got to have a cold beer. And you know that just one 12-ounce can of that golden elixir will never do. You'll need at least two. Or if your really, really, really thirsty perhaps two cases will douse that dryness.
No, I should not mock the Bicycle Beer Bandit.
One has to wonder if the thief was already a little Schlitz-faced before he attempted a crime that was so obviously doomed to failure. A single case of canned beer weighs 20 pounds. This genius thought he could carry two cases, peddle his getaway vehicle and elude pursuers all at the same time. What the heck was he thinking?
I really should not mock the Bicycle Beer Bandit.
Maybe, The Bandit was inspired by President Obama's recent suds-fest. He may have been moved to have his own Beer Summit in South Cape to discuss racial harmony. You got to have beer before you can have a Beer Summit. It's like a requirement.
So, while Prosecuting Attorney Morley Swingle is treating this as a deliberate misdemeanor, in fact it may have been a crime of political passion motivated by the recent actions of our Democratic president. Perhaps, the Bicycle Beer Bandit is actually the Bicycle Beer Patriot and if he is not yet out on bond, could be considered a political prisoner.
It's so, so hard not to mock the Bicycle Beer Bandit.
The beer he tried to boost was not identified in the news story, but perhaps if we are all lucky it was Bud Light. I can already hear the radio commercial:
Bud Light Presents: Real Men of Genius
(Real men of Genius)
Today we salute you. Mr. Bicycle Beer Bandit
(Mr. Bicycle Beer Bandit!)
With your trusty ten-speed and not a dime to your name, you have the stones to try to steal not one, but two cases of beer... on a bike.
(I love my Huffy!)
Oh sure, you could have taken just one. But when you're really thirsty, one case is never enough.
(I need a cold one!)
It takes real talent to balance that much beer on a bike and peddle while being chased by an angry store clerk. Can Lance Armstrong do that?
(Not on a Huffy!)
So as soon as you get out of jail, plan to crack open an ice cold Bud Light. Just buy it this time, OK?
(Mr. Bicycle Beer Bandit!)
No, I really, really should not mock the Bicycle Beer Bandit.
If the beer he tried to bike off with was Bud Light, does that mean it has "stealability?"
I know it's not nice to mock the Bicycle Beer Bandit. But it is so hard not to.
While writing this blog it bothered me that the brand of beer that the thief tried to steal was not mentioned in the newspaper article. A beer says a lot about a man. Was it Natty Light or Stag or Milwaukee's Best? That tells me, he was thirsty, really, really, really thirsty and a little bit desperate.
Or was it Bud Light, Miller Light or Mich Ultra? Attempting to steal two cases of any of those beers indicates he was both thirsty and wanting to watch his figure.
I emailed Rudi Keller who wrote the original article if he knew the brand of beer The Bandit tried to steal. He did not.
But I had to know.
So I drove over to Bi-State and asked. One of the clerks on duty was working when The Bandit attempted his heist. He told me that the thief tried to bike off with Budweiser. Bud is a blue-collar beer for men who don't give a rats-patootie about the extra calories. They spit on Bud Light. All they care about is having a cold beer on a hot night.
And it was hot Friday night. After I finished mowing, I went into my house and cracked open a cold Mich Ultra. Just one. Not forty-eight. I wasn't that thirsty.
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